Saturday, October 9, 2010

Did I sign up for this...?

So, being bored at work, I had to do some work related things involving e-mail. Shocking that I do work related things at work, I know. I should be ashamed of myself. Anyway one of the minor (And when I say minor, I mean practically insignificant) joys I get at work is when I have to check my e-mail. But not because I particularly like e-mail. Or get much of it. Well, that's not entirely true. I get a lot of e-mail. But most of it is from people trying to sell me things. Generally things I don't want, or can't afford. Or don't want AND can't afford. Being a denizen of the internet for a long, long time, my e-mail is located at Yahoo!

There's actually a reason for this. Because I signed up for my Yahoo! e-mail before Google was invented. Yes. I'm that old. Shush. Back then, Yahoo! and AOL were the only places to get an easy e-mail address. Now I've been using it so long that I've just left it as is. However, there is a tiny little benefit I've found from having Yahoo! as an e-mail address. That being the little news clips on their homepage.

I'm not much of a news person. I generally don't care what's going on with the government, or what's happening overseas, or what celebrity was wearing what during the umpteen million popularity contests known as award shows they have. However, every once in a while a little story will grab my attention for a few minutes and be an interesting read. This is how I found out about immortal jellyfish, for example. Moving on, today I found a little news story that made me giggle. It made me giggle in that way you do when you see a bunch of people trying to do 'the wave' on the bleachers at a high-school baseball game but one falls over and cascades into taking the entire crew with them. It was that kind of giggle.

So apparently Facebook has been busy trying to keep up it's profit margin, despite having it's OWN MOVIE. As such, as a bid to draw more users into it, they 'updated' their groups section. I'll take this opportunity to state that I am NOT on Facebook, as I don't do the social networking thing. For two reasons: I'm not social because people are stupid, and I'm allergic to stupidity, and I don't remember a damn thing from my Cisco classes, so I'm horrible at networking as well. Anyway, so Facebook decided it would be a brilliant idea for users to be able to add their friends to groups.... without their permission.

Why am I not a CEO of a billion dollar company? Why? Is it because I'm not good at making bad decisions? Is there a degree for this? How much do classes in 'horrible decision making 101' cost, anyway?

You see, being on the internet as long as I have, I've learned one valuable little nugget of insight. Anonymity and Freedom should not be mixed. Ever. You heard about the whole pop-rocks and soda thing back in the day. This is worse than that. And sure enough, after Facebook decided to roll out the red carpet, the jackasses jumped on it.

Apparently, Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook is now a member of NAMBLA. Or at least the Facebook version. For those sheltered individuals who have come to my blog expecting cute cat pictures and not harsh reality, let me enlighten you on what NAMBLA is. N.A.M.B.L.A. stands for North American Man/Boy Love Association. It's basically a group of apparently gay pedophiles who are quite proud of their accomplishments. As far as I know, they also go by the name "The Catholic Church" but don't quote me on that. Anyway, our good buddy Mark here realized he wasn't really into young boys and was astonished to find out his Facebook status stated otherwise. I'm sure he's not the only one, seeing as how 4000 other users also unwittingly ended up in this group as well. Luckily for the asses of 4000 young boys, this was just an unforeseen consequence of letting retards have freedom. The best part of the whole thing is that Facebook still thinks this is a good idea, it just needs some 'tweaking'. Right.

Needless to say, I giggled. In fact, I might have even lol'd.

But don't quote me on that.

Friday, October 1, 2010

The little things that kill...

I've come to the conclusion that God doesn't exist. (Actually, I came to this conclusion around the same time I realized that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy weren't real, but for the sake of this post, let's just say I've confirmed my theory.) Anyway, the deciding factor for this revelation was plopped down in front of me on my way home for a 2 hour break between shifts. I got a phone call. We had a problem at one of our stores. This problem basically confirmed my nagging suspicion that there was no God.


Yes, ants. There is no way a kind, loving God would have created such an abomination, or even allowed them to exist.

Anyway, so since my night was completely ruined by these little fuckers, I thought it would be a good chance to update you all on the suckfest that is my life, as apparently my life hasn't been horrible enough to provide me with enough content to fill this blog as much as I should.

Or I'm lazy.

In any case, I'm not actually that big of an insect-o-phobe. Bugs generally don't bother me (Except bees.) and I can live with most of them being around without it irritating me. Spiders, crickets, roaches.... pretty much all of things don't really freak me out that much. If confronted with one, I generally take measures to remove it without harm and simply relocate it to a more fitting location - away from me. But I'm not the type to jump up on furniture screaming, "Eeee! OMG! Kill it! Kill it!". I really don't see why it has to die simply for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. It's not really fair judgment for the poor creatures. Ants though. They can rot in the firey pits of hell. If it existed. Which is doesn't. Because there is no God.

These greedy little fuckers aren't content to bask in the nasty, chewy goodness of the outside world. No, of course not. You know, the world is a filthy place. I wouldn't walk outside barefoot if my life depended on it. You'd think with the shit that these things eat, they'd find plenty of stuff to munch on outside. But no. They have to be greedy and completely ignore everything around them and make this long (And I mean loooong...Consider the size of an ant compared to the distance they generally travel... It's kind of ridiculous.) ass trip that requires them to go up, over and through the most retarded jungle-gym of crap just to get inside and take YOUR food. Why? I don't get it. I think it's a conspiracy between the bees and the ants. They like to make you think they're simple minded creatures, but in truth, I think they do this shit on purpose.

Ants are small. Actually, small nowadays is pretty big if you've ever been to Starbucks, since apparently now Tall is Small. Ant's are smaller than that. Smaller than Tall. Smaller than small. In fact, they're in the race for the most space efficient creatures in existence other than fleas and microbes. The world, on the other hand, is big. Quite big. Large in fact. Even larger than Vente. So why is it one of the smallest creatures on the planet have to take over space that belongs to everything else? I don't get it.

There can't be a God, and if there is, I can only find one excuse for Ants. And that is that they are a mockery of humankind in the fact that they infest everything that isn't theirs and then mindlessly consume it until something comes along and squashes them. Well played, God. Well played.

I still want my two hours of life back though, fucker.