Saturday, February 27, 2010

No Dogs Allowed...

Okay, I know it's odd for me to have a stint where I ignore my blog for a while then suddenly make two posts in the same day, but in my defense my last post was made at 4am before I went to bed. So technically this is tomorrow. This is also one of the reasons I don't own pets. I don't like having to pay attention to things for long periods of time.

Which brings me to a mini-rant today: Dogs.

So, there's this dog. My mom's friend's dog, to be exact. It's been left here for a few hours while they go off to a bridal shower or something of that nature. Apparently, this thing thinks that the end of the world is neigh, and that it will never have human contact as long as it lives. I've been happily obliging it by keeping my bedroom door shut but dear fucking god, the thing has not lost it's voice yet, despite yapping at the fucking door ever since they left.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that yes, I do happen to live with my mother at this time, but no I'm not in the basement and it's because doing so provides a cheaper rent situation for us both at the moment. I have a job, and up until two months ago was living quite well on my own, thank you very much.

Anyway, back to the dog. So this is why I hate dogs. Similar to why I hate babies. Because they require attention, a lot of attention. What happens if they don't get the attention they seek? They make noise. Lots and lots of noise. Lots of irritating noise. You know, I kind of sympathize for the Grinch a bit. Everyone thought he was just a grouchy old green guy who hated Christmas. I think it was more along the lines that he lived next to a bunch of inconsiderate a-holes that let their kids run around screaming at 4am and played loud obnoxious music on the weekends while he was trying to nap. Kind of like where I live now. These fuckers don't deserve Christmas.

Okay, anyway, I was getting back to the dog, yes. So anyway, dogs are annoying for various reasons. They smell bad, they drool, they can't be litter trained which means they need to go outside often, and if you're not constantly paying attention to them they yap like a motherfucker. Why is it dogs never lose their voice? Is this some kind of cosmic joke where I can yell at the top of my lungs for 2 and a half hours about something and then get punished by not being able to talk the next day or two, but these little fuckers can go on and on for 6 to 10 hours a day and keep going like the Energizer fucking bunny. Now, I'm not a pet person. The only reason I live with cats is because my mom takes care of them. I do like cats, I just don't like taking care of things. You know why cats are better than dogs? Let me explain:

Cats are self sufficient individuals that can occupy themselves with some form of entertainment when you are not available to pet them. I like that. They're very much 'now' animals. They are flexible and can work out something to do if you don't have the time to mess with them. Dogs, however, are not. They require constant attention from you, and if you so much as look in the other direction they start freaking out like they've got abandonment issues ingrained in their fucking skulls from birth, even if you've had the thing from before it can remember it's own existence. The things go on like they're going to fucking die if you leave them alone for more than 2 minutes, and I don't see how anyone can put up with it. Some people think it's cute, or are so emotionally scarred that they believe that a dog's affection and 'loyalty' make them feel like someone depends on them. Fuck that. They're obnoxious, greedy little assholes that are all about 'me' and can care less if you have something you'd rather be doing than giving them a belly rub or playing fetch for the 40th thousand time. I don't need some animal clamped on my leg to feel validated in my existence.

Actually, this sounds like 90% of all relationships I've ever seen. Maybe I should just chalk this one up to people being stupid, and thinking that if they suffer enough, they will automatically get something for all their hard work. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and sometimes you stand in line for 4 hours only to find out that you're in the line for the bathroom instead of that cool ride you thought you were waiting for at the amusement park. Lucky for you, though, all that waiting probably made you have to go to the bathroom anyway, so you feel validated in your decision even though you could have just gone home and used your own bathroom instead of wasting your fucking time.

Press any key to continue...

As I've stated previously, I'm a gamer. I like video games. Amazingly enough, video games also come on computers. Sorry, I should have told you to sit down before I brought you this shocking revelation. So, as one may guess, in order to play certain games one must own a working computer. And not just any computer, no...

You'd think that the concept that you can't put new shit in old shit would have sunk into the general populous by now, but you'd be wrong. No matter how much technology is force fed down people's throats by companies like Apple and Nintendo, people are still blissfully unaware of something called SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS. No, your 1990 Dell Dimension running Windows ME would not be a good candidate for Half-life 2. In fact, I still have gut feeling that these people think that computers come from a magical pocket dimension where gnomes control everything with the power of their mind and gracefully allow us access to their mystical technologies if we ask nicely enough. Because of this, people get the wrong idea if you say you know how a computer works.

I'm not a Linux geek. I'm not a network admin and I don't know the difference between PHP and PCP, other that one makes people go crazy with prolonged use and the other one is a drug sold on the street. The point is, when someone says, "Hey, do you know about computers?" your answer should always be no. Because if you say yes, even if it means you know how to use a mouse well enough to check your email without your braincells having a structural failure on par with the Hindenburg disaster, people will automatically assume you are a mystical practitioner of the lost and forbidden arts used to control the demons that work the mystical machines that make our lives so much easier. This is not the fucking case. I know how to put a computer together, but it's not that fucking hard. If you can play with Legos, you can put together a fucking computer. Especially in this day and age. The pieces are fucking COLOR CODED. You don't even have that advantage with Legos! Of course, that's just the basics. Which is what I know. The basics. Tab A goes in Slot B, you push the button, drop in a disk, wait for a few bars to load and that's it. That's the extent of my knowledge as far as computers go. Why? Because I use them to play games and write stupid shit on the internet when I'm bored. I don't need a Master's Degree in computer science for this, honestly. However, it never fails that someone inevitably asks me, "Hey, my computer is broken, can you take a look at it for me?" In an ideal world, I would look at it and go, "Yeah, it's broken. Sucks to be you." and be on my merry way, but apparently when someone asks me to look at their ancient piece of technology with more dust than the Smithsonian, I'm automatically supposed to know what's wrong with it, AND how to fix it, simply because I know the difference between a Hard Drive and RAM.

Needless to say, I'm a pansy and will drive myself crazy trying to figure out what the buttfuck is wrong with a machine I would rather throw out a window than look at. Now, if it's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending to know more about something than I actually do. But it's really not that hard. Like I said before, people are idiots and as long as you use a couple words with more than three syllables in them on a regular basis, people will automatically assume you have a college education, or are at least generally knowledgeable in whatever it is you're talking about. Sometimes this can bite you in the ass. Especially since people that know the hardcore computer stuff and write the programs people want to use are sadistic fucks that know you have no idea what it is you're trying to do and taunt you by making a program spew errors with descriptions that sound like they've been ripped directly from the Necronomicon. One shining example of this is when you get an error that reads something along the lines of, "General Protection Fault 000FxFFC24" or something. What the fuck exactly is that supposed to tell us other than, "Your computer is fucked and you're too dumb to know how, so we'll give you the answer in some technical riddle that would require a manual the size of an Xbox to decipher." I think some of these guys are really bitter about the whole 'user friendly' revolution. (Though I can't totally blame them for being irritated.)

It doesn't help matters when your even more incompetent friend who is relying on you to solve their problem for free so they won't have to fork out money for a real repair person is hounding you to fix their problem with the mystical powers given to you when you bought your first motherboard. Let me tell you right now that computers are a pain in the ass when they're not entertaining you. It's like a sadistic grandparent painting all the Easter eggs with jungle camo and hiding them in patches of elephant grass. For instance, one guy's computer I worked on, it was running slow and the mouse would cut out from time to time. Well, when a computer is lagging, the first thing that comes to mind is that there's too many background programs running, spyware, etc. So we fish through the thing looking for the culprit and come up empty. We can't figure it out. After two days of going crazy trying to figure this out, we find out it might be a problem with the power supply. Turns out it was. Now, logically.... how would you come to the conclusion that the power supply of all things would generate computer lag? I mean if you go the round about way and see it from the final perspective, it sort of makes sense, sure. But it makes sense in the same way the end of the Sherlock Holmes movie made sense after they told you all the secrets you didn't see. How the fuck was I supposed to figure that out on my own, honestly? That's like the last thing you'd think of. Or maybe I'm just stupid. The point is, working on computers sucks and I'm getting ready to buy this shirt and wear it every day under my normal clothes so on the off chance someone asks me to look at their computer I can rip off my other clothes in Clark Kent fashion and proudly display that no, I will NOT fix their fucking computer.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Five more minutes...

Okay, so my internal procrastination has been hitting the snooze a lot longer than I thought, and it's been almost 10 days since my last post. Yeesh. Well, anyway, I had a rant prepared (somewhat) for the Super Bowl, but I got pulled away half way through and forgot to finish it, so.... little late, but here you go:

Last Sunday, at least for those of us living in the United States, is probably the most infamous Sunday in the history of the country. And no, I'm not talking about Easter. It was the Super Bowl, a time for men to revel in the sport dressing in tight clothing and chasing down a ball and in a field of grass while attempting to grab and smother each other as much as possible. A sport of glory, of spirit and of fame, which two teams enter and only one team leaves victorious.

I hate football. But, to be fair, I hate most sports.

Yeah, I know, comparing football to a gay orgy has been done before but it's still funny. That's one of the many things I don't get about men. They are so intent on contradicting themselves that it almost seems like the national past time of this nation should be a bullshitting contest. I'm not saying football players are gay, because I'm sure they're not. And I'm not saying that people that watch football are gay, because gay people are smarter than that. What I'm getting at is that men go to great lengths to keep themselves distanced from each other in an attempt to avoid the classification of being homosexual. They won't hug, they rarely even pat each other on the back... I think the only physical contact they allow is a firm handshake from a distance of at least 2 feet away. And only with a specific hand. Yet you put them in a jersey and all of a sudden it's chest bumps, pats on the ass and choke holds. What the fuck did I miss here, because these guys were acting like they were dealing with a leprosy victim not two minutes ago? And they say that WE'RE confusing? Bwha?

I've also noticed that, whether it's on purpose or not, pigs seem to be the symbol of manliness. I'm not saying exactly that men are pigs or anything, but look at the facts here: When men let their male urges take full control, they are called pigs. Most men, when left to live on their own create a mess often refered to as a pig sty. They love bacon. A football is referred to as a pig skin, and while watching this sport, the snack of choice is pork rinds. It's not so much that I think men are pigs as they have an unwritten kinship with the animal that goes far beyond mere coincidence. Not that it's a bad thing, I mean.... I have nothing against pigs myself. I just thought I'd point it out.

Moving on, as you can tell, this rant is mainly about men. I'm not having man troubles unless you consider the fact that they confuse the fuck out of me on a regular basis as 'man troubles.' I'm happily single, thank you. The point of the matter is, I don't understand why they insist on making everything as difficult as possible just to try and prove some point no one cares about but them. A good example of this is directions. Men hate being given directions, whether it's driving or putting something together. They just can't stand it, like it's some personal insult that they might not know how to do something they've never done before. How does that make any sense? No one is going to think you're less of a man for not knowing how to do something you've never done before, yet if you pose a challenge to them, they will automatically claim that they know what they are doing and don't need any damn instructions. My dad was notorious for this. Even things like microwave dinners, he wouldn't read the instructions. He'd just throw the whole thing in for 6 minutes on high. It could be anything, 6 minutes on high. He couldn't use an oven to save his life. But that's okay because men don't cook. Cooking is a woman's job, right? Unless it's a barbecue. Then it's 'Move outta the way, darlin', I gots meat to cook.' Excuse me? How is cooking something on a stove any different than cooking it over an open flame? Food is fucking food, and you still have to prepare it the same way. I love how men love to say that it's not their job to cook, yet when you go on the food network, the majority of the hosts are male. Men cook. They like to cook, but if you tell them that they will deny it till the day they die. Having a skill that makes your life BETTER is not less manly. Men are so overly concerned about their manliness it's not even funny, check out some of the commercials that played this year during the Super Bowl:

For the Dodge Charger:

For Dockers:

You know, it's not that I hate men or anything, trust me. I'd much rather have a guy next to me in bed than a woman. They're just so irritating sometimes that it makes me want to scream. They're so full of inconsistancies and logical failings that it makes me feel like I'm stuck in some horrible Twilight Zone episode sometimes. But, I guess maybe that layer of WTF surrounding them protects them from the harshness of reality and keeps them from turning in a quivering pile of goo. I dunno.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Made with all-natural ingredients...

Am I the only one about fed up with all this organic and all-natural bullshit being plastered all over today's consumer products? It sure seems like it, because it's like suddenly somebody had a mid-life crisis after eating a bowl of frosted flakes and ran down the street screaming 'My life is a lie!' because they found out there was high-fructose corn syrup in it, which in turn caused wide spread panic in the fact that all the unhealthy, greasy shit we consume every day may contain *gasp* fake grease. Isn't it odd that 20 years ago, scientists were raving about the fact that one day we may be able to get all of our daily nutrition from one simple pill, making life so much easier for people trying to stay healthy only to finally be one step away from it being reality and suddenly have everyone scream how unnatural it is and demanding everyone go back to 'real food'. It may just be me, but does that seem counter-productive to anyone else? Okay, so what I'm getting from this is the whole point of scientific progress is to waste time and resources to create things that people are going to decide they don't want 10 years down the road...

You know, this is why I hate hippies. It's not just the drugs, but that's part of it. The only good thing about hippies is that their name reflects who they are pretty accurately, because these people are the biggest bunch of hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. That's not an accomplishment to take lightly, either. The fight for this title is pretty fierce. Seriously though, if they had it their way we'd all be living in grass huts and be stoned 90% of the day, and some how this is considered 'enlightenment'. Right. The biggest thing that irritates me about these nature freaks though, is their constant use of buzzwords like organic and all-natural that, when put into perspective, don't make much sense at all. Let's take a simple look at the biggest word, Natural, shall we...?

So, Natural means something that comes from nature. Simple enough, right? But then by that definition, everything on the fucking planet is natural because it all came from the planet. That includes the 10 story high rise condos with the penthouse apartments with the air conditioning, dimmer lighting and WiFi access. I mean, how is it not? All the materials used to create it were cultivated from the earth. We're not just pulling this shit out of some pocket dimension full of strange and magnificent wonders that mankind could only dream of making himself. It's basic elements that have been refined into something usable. Not that complicated.

And of course, the first argument I always get from these tree-huggers is, "Well it didn't grow that way! That's not natural!" Yeah. You're right. It doesn't. But neither do bee hives, birds nests, beaver dams, anthills, rabbit burrows or spider webs. They're all created by taking natural resources and crafting them into something that doesn't happen naturally. But of course, most people consider these things to be perfectly natural. I love when I go to the store and see things like, "All-natural honey." Yes. Congratulations on purchasing regurgitated plant matter that just happens to be kept in a particular set of conditions to transform it into a completely different substance from it's original form. But at least it's natural, right? Give me a break. But it's so easy to try and separate ourselves from animals and say that just because we can put together a device that transforms electrical signals into pretty colors it's completely different because we're not as dumb as a beaver, who can only stack wood on top of one another and pack it in place using mud as a reinforcing agent. It's the same fucking thing.

This is the reason I call them hypocrites. Because they feel like they've no longer become a part of nature but instead have to become it's keeper, like they're some demi-god of the fucking woodland. No, you're flesh and blood like nearly everything else that moves on this planet and I'll be damned if I ever see any other animals worry about conservation or even complete genocide if the conditions were right. Animals don't fucking care if what they do destroys the environment, we've seen this in creatures like locusts and rats all the time. Given the option, polar bears would happily let sea lions go extinct if it meant a full stomach. This shit does not happen in nature, but suddenly you've become some agent of Gaia who's mission is to protect all the cute and fuzzy woodland creatures who would rather gut you than look at you? Humans have evolved this way because it's our natural progression. So yes, these 'urban jungles' are as natural as birds building nests and moles digging holes. It's what we do as a species, there's nothing unnatural about it. Trying to go against this type of evolutionary progress is by far one of the most unnatural things you can do. So if you so much as try to tell me how trees are better than street lights, so help me I will bury you in the ground next to an ant-hill and smother you in some organic, all-natural honey.

This isn't even the end of the madness though. They've recently gone back to putting real sugar in soda again. Bwha?! Back up, I'm a bit confused here. I was always told that shit was bad for you and the whole reason artificial sweeteners exist is because of the fact that they were engineered to be HEALTHIER than fucking sugar. Now all of a sudden out of nowhere this shit we've spent years developing for the soul purpose it was a healthy alternative to sugar is BAD for you because it's not natural? The fuck? That's not how things work. The world is not that convenient.

I am so fucking tired of people jumping on every new hype because fancy words are attached to it. 'Healthier' soda? For fuck's sake if you're that much of a health nut that you actually care whether or not there's real sugar in your damn chemical cocktail, you shouldn't be drinking it in the first place, idiot.

You know what we really need? We need to discover some all-natural, certified organic, not-from-concentrate way of making people less stupid.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Does this make me look fat...?

So today is my girly rant day. Deal with it. There's a couple of factors that have brought this on. Mostly this horrible excuse for fashion that's been plaguing the world lately, which isn't helped by the fact that everyone who's got a 6 figure income has a clothing line that looks exactly the same as every other clothing line to come out in the last year and a half. Now, I'm not one of those pretentious underground chicks that only shops at Hot Topic and goes into a blood rage at the mention of the name Gucci. In fact, I'm not really into fashion enough to know most of the brands on the market today. What I do know is that the world seems to have become as tasteless as the parking lot of a 711. Not to say it isn't full of flavor, but just because something is flavorful doesn't mean it's going to taste good. For me, I mix and match and try to find things that look good. I'm not a fashion designer, mainly because my hair is only one color, but even I can tell there's a problem here. At first I thought, "Maybe it's just because I live in Idiotville, USA.." but those hopes of salvation were quickly dashed when I realized that a lot of the world seems to be following the same trend. When did "Ghetto Fabulous" become a style? I'm just curious.

It's like people have decided that they don't want to try anymore. Looking half decent isn't a hard thing to do. I'm not a supermodel, and I know people that have it worse off than me, but finding a good look isn't always just about being sexy. But apparently someone passed around a note saying that as long as you flash as much flesh as possible, it automatically makes you sexy and everyone jumped on the bandwagon because it seemed easy enough of a rule to follow. Here's a few things I've noticed that are setups for major disasters:

1. Low cut jeans are for people with hips wider than their waist. That's what it's designed for. Unless you want to be the next Pillsbury spokeswoman, don't wear low cut ANYTHING if you have a beer gut that rivals Homer Simpson.

2. Just because a song came out that used the words 'boots with the fur' doesn't automatically make this a recipe for success. Anything with fur trim generally works better if you have something ELSE with similar fur trim on. Like a jacket. It also helps if said article of clothing is at least in the same approximate color range of the afore-mentioned boots.

3. Avocado green never looks good. On anything.

4. Neither does neon orange. Unless you happen to work in construction.

5. Protip- No one likes your triple nose piercing that connects to your upper lip with a chain. It's discusting and it's all in your head. Whoever told you otherwise was lying to you.

There are many other things, but this list could go on forever and I don't have that kind of time. The point is, it's not hard to make things look good, but you have to find what works for you, not just because everyone else is wearing it. I swear if I see another Beyonce wannabe wandering around, I'm going to carve that muffin top hanging over their too tight pants straight from their gut and strangle them with it.

Even the brand names of some of the clothes coming out are utterly retarded. Okay, so I saw this pair of jeans the other day with a cute little cat on the pocket. I was like, "Oh, that's kinda cool. These look neat." so I look at the tag.... Now... I have a serious question here: How many times does one have to be beaten over the head and how many paint chips must one consume to decide that "Baby Phat" is a good name for an adult clothing line? Anyone? Because I can't see it. The mere stupidity belching from that tag made me almost want to drop the clothing immediately and soak my hands in sulfuric acid for a good day and a half. But like I said before, I'm not really into brand names so as long as the actual brand name isn't etched across my ass in bright gold lettering. If it's subtle, I might give it a shot. The cat was kind of cute...(Speaking of which, how do you come up with a cat for a logo when your line is called "Baby Phat"? I'm guessing there were some heavy drugs involved in the creation of this idea.) but dear god, it's like the worst name you can possibly come up with for a line of clothing designed for adult women. Wearing something with a name like that makes me feel like an obese greasy pedophile. Ugh.

Anyway, I also spend a lot of time in Second Life, as the little link in my nuggets of joy suggests (No, you can't have my name just yet. I'm not sure I want stalkers.) and I can tell you right now this disease has spread faster than the bubonic plague. It's what I call 'cookie cutter' syndrome. Almost every single 'woman' I see running around has the same exact straight hair, blinged out bellybutton, low mini-skirt wearing spaghetti halter top clad avatar as every other one. Oh, and FYI people who make shapes for these people and sell them at ridiculous prices: Just moving the breast and ass sliders to max does NOT make for a sexy shape.

I think I should also take this time to point out something important, due to this rant and my gamer one treading dangerously towards feminist territory. I'm not. I loathe feminists. I think women should be allowed to act as they wish and wear what they wish as long as it's not generally offensive to the common five senses. And when I say offensive I don't mean that they're showing too much skin, it's that their choice in fashion physically hurts to look at. It makes my brain want to crawl inside of itself and die than try to comprehend what kind of psychopath could ever think THAT looks good. Sure, people have different tastes. I know. I'm not trying to preach that my idea of 'style' is the only right one. But if you're going for a style, at least complete the fucking look. Don't half ass it. I"m not a gothy person, but I've seen some goth styles that were well done for the style. Same for punk or formal or country or what-have you. It's not just a matter of personal taste as it is the fact that when you put a look together, there's certain things that should be common sense. If something doesn't fit you, don't wear it. You will not look good in it, no matter how cute it looks on your friend who's half your size. And I'm not just ragging on fat people here either. I have a few friends who are considered overweight but can still manage to make themselves look good compared to the complete fashion disasters I've seen walking the streets. Sure, this rant was mostly superfluous. I'll admit that. But it was still something needed to be said.