Thursday, April 15, 2010


Okay, so the other day I had to get gas for my car. It happens, I hate it because then I have to stand outside in the cold (It was late) and spend money. I'm all for spending money if I get something awesome out of it, like shoes or something, but no... all I get is another week's worth of going to work. So I'm not particularly thrilled about the whole prospect, but it has to be done.

Anyway, as I stated it was late so they closed the little mini-mart thing and you had to pay through the little window with the microphone. It's a bit inconvenient, but for just pumping gas, it's not a big deal. However, that night something interesting happened. I was on my way to the window and some guy is trying to buy a pack of cigarettes. No big deal, I guess. Happens all the time, but apparently this intellectual gold mine had 'forgotten his ID at home'. Like that's ever been true. (Well, actually, this one time I had to buy a bottle of Captain Morgan for a party I was going to, and DID actually leave my ID at home, but that's beside the point.)

So of course, in tune with what I will refer to as 'The Law' the guy in the little glass box informs our protagonist that without a proper ID, he can't sell him cigarettes. At first, our hero seems defeated, and turns with that dejected puppy head lowered pose as he makes his way to the car. The one he drove here. Without a license. But wait, there is still hope! I could hear the frazzle of a fuse blowing as our protagonist comes up with a cunning plan!

Oh wait, no. He just asks the same question again. But louder. And amazingly enough, he gets the same answer. Who would have seen THAT ONE coming, eh? But does that hinder his quest for charred lungs? Of course not! It's obvious that the evil man in the glass box is denying this poor person's constitutional right to slowly kill himself. So, being the genius that he is, he begins to get irate and asks to speak to a manager. At 3am. I doubt they even have a janitor on duty at this hour. Oh, but it gets better. Not to be outdone he then demands for the attendants name, threatening with legal action...

I'm going to pause here, and break away from our scenario with a little dose of reality: What the FUCK are you going to do? Sue the guy for upholding the law? I sat there dumbfounded as this whole thing took place because the level of idiocy required to come up with this plan seemed immeasurable. He actually threatened legal action because someone wouldn't break the law for him. Are you serious? On top of that, he was driving without a license, and stated that he was driving without a license? Is his plan to go to prison so he can pawn his ass for cigarettes? While I admit if this were true, I'd have to admire the man's dedication to cancer, however I don't think that was his master plan.

I then got a little pissed off because I saw what was going on here. The guy was simply trying to bully his way into getting what he wanted with no disregard for anyone else. The poor attendant probably just wanted to go home, hates his job and the last thing he needs is some fucking moron harassing him for something that's not even his fault. I felt bad. I really did. If I wasn't scared of getting shot, I'd probably have walked over there and chewed the guy out for being such a waste of flesh. So, after the guy finally left - without his cigarettes - I paid for my gas. I almost wanted to apologize to the attendant for being part of the same race as that scumbag, but I figured that might be kind of creepy, so I kept it to myself.

I seriously could not believe what I just saw. It's times like this I wish I'd gone into law enforcement for the soul purpose of getting rid of the dredges of society that wander about, but I'm too cowardly to put myself in the line of fire. The vastness of human stupidity seems to grow with each passing day. Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll go critical and implode on itself...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Would you like fries with that...?

I try not to talk too much about things directly related to my personal life, as the internet is a big place and you never know who gets into what, but I have some things to say simply because I cannot take it anymore.

For a bit of background, I'm currently working for an locally owned, independent restaurant chain. It pays the bills, so for now, it's what's getting me by. We've all had one of 'those' jobs. Anyway, as such, I get to interact with a plethora of different people from all walks of life. It's a cultural menagerie that is sometimes kind of entertaining to watch. However, I've come to one ultimate conclusion:

A lot of people are really stupid.

I know I've said this before. A lot. But in this particular case, I really really mean it. So, as a public service, I'd like to go over some basic things that people should know when they walk into a restaurant of any kind.

1. When there's a sign that says, 'Order Here' in big bold letters, it generally means you don't have to ask, "Can I order here?"

2. When you order something plain, that generally means it comes with nothing but the base materials of the meal. That does not mean it comes with mayo. That's not what plain is.

2a. After ordering something plain, it is unnecessary to add, "With no onions." that already comes with the 'plain' bit.

3. When someone asks you what size you'd like, "Yes" is not considered a size.

3a. "Yes" is also not a flavor.

4. As a courtesy, you will sometimes be asked if you wanted something you may have forgotten. Like fries, or a drink. It would be in your best interest to listen to what people are asking you, instead of going, "No thanks, but let me get two fries and a large Coke with that."

4. "Root beer Soda" is redundant. Root beer only comes in one state: Soda. So, there's no reason to get in your car vehicle, drive down the road street, and come into the restaurant food place and order a root beer soda.

5. When you have the choice between Large and Small, "Medium" is not an option. Even if you ask for it twice.

5a. Unless specifically stated on the menu, "Regular" is also not a size.

6. If there are no numbers on the menu, do not expect us to know what you want when you order a "Number 1."

7. Do not order a bacon double cheese burger with extra cheese, two corn dogs, two fries and a small Diet Coke. We will laugh at you when you're not looking.

8. If you are going to throw garbage on the floor, at least have the common decency to do it when no one is looking directly at you. Especially if it's an employee holding a broom and dustpan.

9. If there are 5 people in line behind you waiting to order, it's probably not worth it to spend 10 minutes digging for 28 cents in change if you don't have to. You are not making things easier on anybody.

10. If you want something 'well done' it's probably best to let us know before we wrap it up and hand it to you.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but hopefully this is enough to illustrate the fact that being a moron can happen to anyone, at any time. The best way to prevent yourself from looking like a complete idiot is to think before you speak. It works wonders. You should try it some time.