Saturday, October 9, 2010

Did I sign up for this...?

So, being bored at work, I had to do some work related things involving e-mail. Shocking that I do work related things at work, I know. I should be ashamed of myself. Anyway one of the minor (And when I say minor, I mean practically insignificant) joys I get at work is when I have to check my e-mail. But not because I particularly like e-mail. Or get much of it. Well, that's not entirely true. I get a lot of e-mail. But most of it is from people trying to sell me things. Generally things I don't want, or can't afford. Or don't want AND can't afford. Being a denizen of the internet for a long, long time, my e-mail is located at Yahoo!

There's actually a reason for this. Because I signed up for my Yahoo! e-mail before Google was invented. Yes. I'm that old. Shush. Back then, Yahoo! and AOL were the only places to get an easy e-mail address. Now I've been using it so long that I've just left it as is. However, there is a tiny little benefit I've found from having Yahoo! as an e-mail address. That being the little news clips on their homepage.

I'm not much of a news person. I generally don't care what's going on with the government, or what's happening overseas, or what celebrity was wearing what during the umpteen million popularity contests known as award shows they have. However, every once in a while a little story will grab my attention for a few minutes and be an interesting read. This is how I found out about immortal jellyfish, for example. Moving on, today I found a little news story that made me giggle. It made me giggle in that way you do when you see a bunch of people trying to do 'the wave' on the bleachers at a high-school baseball game but one falls over and cascades into taking the entire crew with them. It was that kind of giggle.

So apparently Facebook has been busy trying to keep up it's profit margin, despite having it's OWN MOVIE. As such, as a bid to draw more users into it, they 'updated' their groups section. I'll take this opportunity to state that I am NOT on Facebook, as I don't do the social networking thing. For two reasons: I'm not social because people are stupid, and I'm allergic to stupidity, and I don't remember a damn thing from my Cisco classes, so I'm horrible at networking as well. Anyway, so Facebook decided it would be a brilliant idea for users to be able to add their friends to groups.... without their permission.

Why am I not a CEO of a billion dollar company? Why? Is it because I'm not good at making bad decisions? Is there a degree for this? How much do classes in 'horrible decision making 101' cost, anyway?

You see, being on the internet as long as I have, I've learned one valuable little nugget of insight. Anonymity and Freedom should not be mixed. Ever. You heard about the whole pop-rocks and soda thing back in the day. This is worse than that. And sure enough, after Facebook decided to roll out the red carpet, the jackasses jumped on it.

Apparently, Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook is now a member of NAMBLA. Or at least the Facebook version. For those sheltered individuals who have come to my blog expecting cute cat pictures and not harsh reality, let me enlighten you on what NAMBLA is. N.A.M.B.L.A. stands for North American Man/Boy Love Association. It's basically a group of apparently gay pedophiles who are quite proud of their accomplishments. As far as I know, they also go by the name "The Catholic Church" but don't quote me on that. Anyway, our good buddy Mark here realized he wasn't really into young boys and was astonished to find out his Facebook status stated otherwise. I'm sure he's not the only one, seeing as how 4000 other users also unwittingly ended up in this group as well. Luckily for the asses of 4000 young boys, this was just an unforeseen consequence of letting retards have freedom. The best part of the whole thing is that Facebook still thinks this is a good idea, it just needs some 'tweaking'. Right.

Needless to say, I giggled. In fact, I might have even lol'd.

But don't quote me on that.

Friday, October 1, 2010

The little things that kill...

I've come to the conclusion that God doesn't exist. (Actually, I came to this conclusion around the same time I realized that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy weren't real, but for the sake of this post, let's just say I've confirmed my theory.) Anyway, the deciding factor for this revelation was plopped down in front of me on my way home for a 2 hour break between shifts. I got a phone call. We had a problem at one of our stores. This problem basically confirmed my nagging suspicion that there was no God.


Yes, ants. There is no way a kind, loving God would have created such an abomination, or even allowed them to exist.

Anyway, so since my night was completely ruined by these little fuckers, I thought it would be a good chance to update you all on the suckfest that is my life, as apparently my life hasn't been horrible enough to provide me with enough content to fill this blog as much as I should.

Or I'm lazy.

In any case, I'm not actually that big of an insect-o-phobe. Bugs generally don't bother me (Except bees.) and I can live with most of them being around without it irritating me. Spiders, crickets, roaches.... pretty much all of things don't really freak me out that much. If confronted with one, I generally take measures to remove it without harm and simply relocate it to a more fitting location - away from me. But I'm not the type to jump up on furniture screaming, "Eeee! OMG! Kill it! Kill it!". I really don't see why it has to die simply for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. It's not really fair judgment for the poor creatures. Ants though. They can rot in the firey pits of hell. If it existed. Which is doesn't. Because there is no God.

These greedy little fuckers aren't content to bask in the nasty, chewy goodness of the outside world. No, of course not. You know, the world is a filthy place. I wouldn't walk outside barefoot if my life depended on it. You'd think with the shit that these things eat, they'd find plenty of stuff to munch on outside. But no. They have to be greedy and completely ignore everything around them and make this long (And I mean loooong...Consider the size of an ant compared to the distance they generally travel... It's kind of ridiculous.) ass trip that requires them to go up, over and through the most retarded jungle-gym of crap just to get inside and take YOUR food. Why? I don't get it. I think it's a conspiracy between the bees and the ants. They like to make you think they're simple minded creatures, but in truth, I think they do this shit on purpose.

Ants are small. Actually, small nowadays is pretty big if you've ever been to Starbucks, since apparently now Tall is Small. Ant's are smaller than that. Smaller than Tall. Smaller than small. In fact, they're in the race for the most space efficient creatures in existence other than fleas and microbes. The world, on the other hand, is big. Quite big. Large in fact. Even larger than Vente. So why is it one of the smallest creatures on the planet have to take over space that belongs to everything else? I don't get it.

There can't be a God, and if there is, I can only find one excuse for Ants. And that is that they are a mockery of humankind in the fact that they infest everything that isn't theirs and then mindlessly consume it until something comes along and squashes them. Well played, God. Well played.

I still want my two hours of life back though, fucker.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Hail to the king, baby...

I know, I know. "Two gaming posts, back to back? WTF is this?" well, yeah. I know that my blog isn't a gaming blog, but I really can't just let this one go. I mean this is kind of an event that only happens once in a lifetime.

Anyone who's been gaming for as long as I have knows what I'm talking about. The unthinkable. The unimaginable. The possible end of the world has come.

Duke Nukem Forever is going to be released.

If you haven't heard, you have now. This is not a joke. This is not a hoax. Do not attempt to adjust your television.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, let me give you a little background. Back in 1996, an unassuming, crude little shooter game was released by a company called 3DRealms called Duke Nukem 3D. This was actually the third installment of the Duke Nukem legacy, however few people have played Duke Nukem 1 and 2,  which were side scrolling platform games released around the same time as games like Commander Keen and Jazz Jackrabbit. But that's not what's important. What's important is what happened in 1997. In '97, 3DRealms announced that a sequel to the cult classic was going to be released. The name? Duke Nukem Forever.

That's right. 1997. 13 years ago. In 2011, the game will finally hit store shelves. I honestly don't know what to think. For a retro gamer like myself, it's akin to the second coming of Christ. The thing is, how can you make a game like this 'good'? The simple answer? You can't. That's the whole point. Duke Nukem is known for it's crude, lowbrow humor and from the reviews of those who have played it at PAX, it hasn't changed a thing in the 13 years it's been brewing.

It's still the old Duke we know and love. He loves his cigars. He loves his women. He hates alien scum. And his size 13 boot is looking for more heads to cave in. It's always amazed me that the movie industry has never taken hold of this little gem. I mean, Hollywood and Duke Nukem would be a match made in heaven, if heaven were littered with half naked women, tons of alcohol, and the entrails of hideous aliens the size of a football stadium. I mean you really can't fuck this up. He's a macho, over the top, guns blazing badass that will make good on his threats, even if that requires him to rip off someone's head and defecate down their neck. As long as a newspaper is handy, Duke will make good on his word.

And it seems like the old adage "You can always bet on Duke." is becoming less of a joke and more of a reality. You just can't keep a good pervert down. Literally, if the opening scene has any indication.

A word of warning: The ESRB is going to have a field day with this one. Forget everything you know about games. There is going to probably be more gratuitous sex and violence packed into this game than any other game of the last century. That includes God of War and Leisure Suit Larry combined. And... well... it's Duke, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

I think I have goosebumps.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Is that your FINAL answer?

Here's the first order of business: I'm not dead.

With that out of the way, a new development has made an appearance:

A friend of mine has been all excited because SquareEnix has decided that one online Final Fantasy game was not enough to bore the shit out of you, there needs to be another one. And thus, we have Final Fantasy... uh... hold on, let me look this up, I've lost track at this point. Ah, okay, Final Fantasy 14 (or XIV to the purists out there). Anyway, I played the previous incarnation of this game for a little bit, and I have to say that from what I've seen... the monsters are much furrier. That's about the only difference that I can tell. Needless to say, I'm not interested. At all.

This isn't to say that I hate Squaresoft, it's more or less just indicating that I'm not entirely happy that the last DECENT game they released was when the PS2 came out. We're on the PS3 now, people. I mean, they used to make good games, back before their graphics department decided that they were going to be in charge of EVERYTHING.

Despite this, I've never been a fan of the Final Fantasy series. In my opinion, the only GOOD game to hold the Final Fantasy title was Final Fantasy Tactics. Which irritates me because I've come to the conclusion that the marketing department for Square were collectively locked in a closet and beat over the head by the art department. This is the only explanation as to why they'd only make sequels the the worst games they've ever produced. Let's look at this, shall we?

One of the most famous and popular Final Fantasy games ever released was of course, Final Fantasy 7. There really is no arguing with that fact, even if you liked 8 or 9 more. When people think Final Fantasy, they think Final Fantasy 7. That's just how it is. Knowing this, let's move on to what is known as one of the worst (At the time) Final Fantasy to be released. That being 10 (or X). So, if you were going to make a sequel, which game would you choose to base your sequel on? One of the most famous and popular games in your series, or the one everyone hated. Well, apparently according to someone who works at Square, Final Fantasy X-2 was a good idea.

I think that guy got fired.

But it doesn't end here. Final Fantasy Tactics, one of the most highly decorated and esteemed games that Square has ever produced... copies selling on ebay for $500+. This looks like a good candidate for a sequel, right? Apparently not. You see, they made Final Fantasy Tactics ADVANCE which was ABYSMAL and you can probably find NEW for like 10 bucks. But of course, they have to make a sequel to that one, FFT: A2. Which was basically the same game but with fancier graphics. As you can see, I think the art department at Square is holding the rest of the company hostage and demanding only the games with pretty graphics get sequels, and not ones that actually have good game play.

On the topic of Sequels, it would seem that Square also doesn't seem to understand how a sequel is supposed to work, however I have to admit that the way they've set up the Final Fantasy series is quite clever. You see, there are only three requirements to make a Final Fantasy game:

1. Final Fantasy is in the title.
2. There's a guy named Cid somewhere.
3. The currency in the game is called Gil.

That's it. Those are the only requirements for a game to earn the Final Fantasy title. You really don't have to relate it at all to the previous game, the battle system can be completely different, you can pretty much swap out all the characters (Except Cid), monsters, planet, universe.... everything. But if you put Final Fantasy on the box and fill the character's pockets with Gil, you suddenly have the next Final Fantasy. And people will buy it. Because it's Final Fantasy.

I don't know of any other series that has a so many sequels that have NOTHING to do with each other at all. But, from a marketing perspective, the move was brilliant because it requires no thinking at all to produce the next game in the series. Hell, you can take a game like Chrono Cross, change the currency to Gil, throw an old guy named Cid in there and bam, you'd have another Final Fantasy game.

Now, onto the online thing: You know, I don't really hate the Final Fantasy series. I really don't. I think it's mediocre and boring, but I don't hate it. So I gave their last online game a try at the request of my friend. Here's a play by play of my experience with Square's last attempt at an MMORPG (Final Fantasy 11):

When you're making an online RPG, character creation should extend a bit past the choice of 'Human A' and 'Human B'. I'm not exaggerating here. You literally had like two options of what your character could look like.

Okay, so I pick my 'Generic Human B' character and take them out into the world. Hm.... now what class should I be? Well, I like to play magic users, so I'm gonna be a black mage. This should be fun, I thought to myself. Until I got into battle. So what spells do I have in my little book of tricks...? Stone. But not like, 'turn your enemies to stone', because that would be cool. No, the spell 'stone' summons a rock which then hits the enemy...

...Did I just use my infinite cosmic power as a mage to throw a rock at someone? Really? Okay. So I'm a stone slinging mage. I'll settle for what I can get, I got it. Well, let's fire up another volley of rocks, right? No. You can't do that, Dave. I have to wait. Like 5 minutes. So now I have to hit them with the stick that I'm pretending is my magic staff. Great. So I'm a gimped barbarian who can throw rocks at my enemies every 5 minutes. This is awesome. So my friend steps in and tells me, "Well, you know the game is designed as though you were a peasant and are just now learning how to be an adventurer. You're not going to have awesome stuff to start. You probably shouldn't start out as a black mage."

Great, so on top of being limited to the fact that I can only look like one of two people in gene pool of this online disaster, I'm basically punished for playing the character I want to play. Okay, so we'll try this again. This time, let's go a different route: Imma be a warrior! I got a sword! I got.... well... okay it's not quite armor, but it works, I guess. Let's go kill some baddies! My first battle went quite well. I slayed the evil worm beast thing and only NEARLY died from it. Now comes the bestest part of the whole fucking game. Sitting down and waiting for my health to refill. You've got to be kidding me. Now I have to sit down and take a nap between EVERY SINGLE BATTLE? Are you joking? So, my friend now imparts on me some more FFMMO wisdom: "Well, you don't have any healing spells, so you'll have to do it that way. You should probably try a Red Mage as they can use a sword and cast a healing spell."

...okay, so now I have to be a Red Mage. Fine. Then it dawned on me as I was looking around the newbie area. EVERYONE was a Red Mage. WTF is this shit? So basically they force you to play one class because every other class is retardedly hard to play when you first start? Seriously? People PAY for this?

At this point I'm pretty fed up with the whole thing. I'm then told "It gets better after level 20." I was level 5. I'd been playing for a week. So what I'm getting from this is I have to fork out like 3 months of subscription fees before I get to ENJOY playing the game I paid for? Um, no that's okay. I'll pass.

Needless to say, my faith in Squaresoft has pretty much all but been destroyed.

I mean come on, they're a Japanese company. The Japanese basically INVENTED the catgirl. How do you fuck this up?

Really? This is NOT how you make a catgirl. Gha...

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Safety Dance...

So despite apparently living in Ghettoville, USA, I've pretty much been able to avoid getting caught up in this big case about a cop shooting a kid at the local train station. (BART, for you bay-area people) If you haven't heard about it, consider yourself lucky. Long story short: Some kid that's being held down by a cops after being arrested is shot in the back by a cop who 'thought he had his taser out'. It's all over the news. This is actually why I don't watch TV all that much. There's never anything good on anymore. Or maybe I'm just watching the wrong stations at the wrong times. The last time I remember 'quality' TV was back when I was a kid watching cartoons on Saturday morning.

Anyway, I pretty much didn't want to hear shit about this story because frankly, I couldn't care less. But today some morons were marching down the street near where I worked, protesting the verdict of the case (In which the cop got off with 3 or 4 years in prison.), enticing people to honk their horns in anger.

I never understood this. When did honking a horn mean something to anyone other than to signal someone that they were being a complete douchebag. Oh wait, I think I'm seeing the connection here...

As far as my personal opinion of the matter, the whole mess is a tragedy, but not because of the reason being toted all over the news and the streets. The real tragedy here is that no one really cares that a kid died. Not really. They only see it as an "Ah-ha! Told you so!" moment and are using this kid's death as a springboard for their own personal agendas. That's the part that pisses me off. I mean, if it weren't for the fact that none of them would admit it, all these protesters are probably secretly HAPPY that a black kid got shot by a white police officer just so they can validate their own stupid prejudice. And on top of all this, this little crusade of theirs isn't even productive. What good is claiming that the whole police department is racist going to do? You want them to just all quit and let the city go to hell, cause in that case you might want to invest in a bullet proof vest, cause there's going to be a lot more shootings without the police around. I swear, people need to grow the fuck up and stop trying to play the race card every chance they fucking get.

And for the cop? Maybe he's racist. Maybe he's a moron. Maybe he's a racist moron. In any case, he's probably not fit to be an officer. It's just too bad that it took some kid dying to notice that he probably wasn't prime police material. But you know, since people love to blame things, let's take a look at the core issue here:

So, his defense was that he was too dumb to tell the difference between a taser and a gun. Alright, I'll bite just for the sake of argument here. Maybe he did, but instead of bashing on his lack of training, how about we simply don't make tasers that look like fucking guns? Who's bright idea was this? I mean, with how lazy people are, I'm surprised TV remotes don't come with a pistol grip and a trigger. A taser is not meant for life-threatening situations, so there's really no need for it to be designed for 'quick-draw' purposes. This doesn't sound overly complex to me. Then, when a moron shoots a kid, you won't have to worry about the excuse of, "I thought it was a taser" because the two wouldn't be in the same category. It'd be like cop going to the emergency room with a pair of handcuffs stuck in his throat saying, "I thought it was a donut." If you can make that mistake, you probably deserve to choke to death.

Not that I'm bashing on cops here. I mean, I have a lot of respect for law enforcement, I just think that there's morons wherever you go, regardless of occupation, and stupidity should not be an excuse for murder. I'll be the first to say that I WON'T be outside city hall picketing this verdict because I frankly don't care about it either way. I'll just be happy when people shut up with abusing this kid's death so they can go on a rampage against the government AGAIN. For once, I'd just like to see a protest that's validated. But people have their heads so far up their asses that the only thing they get pissed about is when something intrudes on their little bubble world. People die from firearms every day, and it's all because people refuse to look past their own colons.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Please sir, can I have some more...?

Wow, I just had the most awful day. You know what irks me? When I'm at work, busting my ass for hours and hours on end, and some hobo wanders over asking for handouts. It really makes my blood boil.

I mean, part of me kind of wants to help them, but at the same time one of me gets really really angry, and I'll tell you why: I haven't had a perfect life. I've had to deal with a lot of shit in my time. I've been kicked out of a house, I ran away for a bit, I even ended up in a mental institution for a couple weeks (Long story.). But guess what? I'm not out on the street, asking for free food. And you know why? Because I didn't fucking give up. Life has beat the crap out of me and I get back up. I bust my ass every single day to try and drag myself out of this hellhole that I live in, and some lazy little crackhead wants to take a free ride on my train.

Well screw that. Really. I'm sick and tired of people getting themselves all fucked up on drugs or alcohol and it suddenly becoming the responsibility of those of us who decided NOT to fuck ourselves over to take care of them like some neighbor-hood ally cat. I've already posted about this, I don't like pets. I especially don't like pets who are loud, smelly and straight up rude. I know some people are on this kick that some people can't help it because it's so hard to get a job, and yeah. I've been there. Looking for work sucks. But you know what? I've never once begged for money. Ever. In my entire life. In fact, I've never begged for anything other than to be left alone for 5 fucking minutes, which I rarely get as it is. All it takes to keep yourself out of that situation is self motivation.

I have a high school diploma. That's it. No college degree, and I graduated high school with a 1.8 gpa. But do you see me sitting outside of a window, staring at people like some lost little puppy who won't go the fuck away until you give me something? No. You don't. Life is hard, I'm fully aware. Life kicked me in the ass before I was even born, so I don't want to hear some sob story about the disadvantaged. Been there, done that, and I'm over it. I know this particular rant had no point, but I really just needed to bitch about this to make myself feel better. That's about it.

Friday, June 18, 2010

He who controls the spice, controls the universe...!

Okay. I get it. Oil spill. Jesus Christ, I knew this was going to give the Greenpeace fanboys wet dreams, and I was right. I swear to God people seem to THRIVE off of disaster. It's kind of sad, really. Recently, this whole thing about the big oil spill has been thrown in my face over and over again. I get it, it's a big deal.

And you know, it's not so much that it's an important event that needs to be documented. I understand that much, it's not something you just ignore. I'm well aware of that. But I really really wish all the environmentalists would keep their traps shut. I swear to god, as soon as the dust settled from the catastrophic failure of the rig, the green army leapt into action like howling monkeys, pointing at the oil companies and shouting, "AH HA! GOT YOU NOW, BITCH!"

Really? Is this necessary? I'm so sick and tired of all the freaking finger pointing about who's fault this is. Okay, so let's all blame the BP executives! In fact, let's put them on trial and put them in prison! Horray for justice! Oh wait. The oil's still there. Well fuck, that didn't solve anything, now did it? In fact, let's just put the only company with the most experience with dealing with this kind of situation COMPLETELY out of business and bankrupt it by throwing all these slanderous remarks at it, so that they can't spend the billions required to actually make any progress on this problem. God people are stupid.

But of course, these retarded hippies are just under the assumption that it's easy to fix this problem, and the evil oil executives are like the villains from Captain Planet, sitting in their offices and laughing at the destruction of the environment because that's what gets them off. They think, "We'll just go out there with a pack of organic, biodegradable napkins and soak up this mess with happy thoughts and rainbows." That's not how this works. People really need to stop taking TV seriously.

Let's back up and have a little lesson on the planet, shall we?
First question, where does oil come from? Show of hands? The earth? Yes, that's right. So that means what? Anyone? No? Well, that means that it's a 'natural' resource. Yes, that's right. Crude oil is produced by nature. It's just like a tree. Is that the sound of heads exploding at this revelation? The earth create something as EVIL as Oil? It can't be so! Something so hideous could only be created by the evils of man, right? Wrong. Crude oil is as natural as the birds it's killing. The Earth is destroying itself. There's a real newsflash for you.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's look at this from a different perspective, shall we? In essence, mankind has just popped one of the biggest zits the earth has ever had. Yeah ok, so that was a bad idea. But hindsight is 20/20. Whining about it isn't going to fix the problem. Pointing fingers and having everyone yell, "Well this is all your fault!" at each other isn't very productive. At all.

The best part is now the president has been dragged into this. I couldn't make up comedy like this if I tried. So now, it's apparently somehow the President's fault that some privately owned company, (Who's headquarters are in London, England by the way) fucked up. I love how everyone suddenly wants to know what the government is going to do about this. Like they hold any responsibility to this at all. The government barely has the ability to pay it's teachers enough to keep them off the streets, and has everyone bitching about how the economy sucks and then they turn around and want them to fit the bill for this disaster? I think the fumes are already starting to affect people's judgment. If anyone has the ability and resources to fix this, BP does, and in fact, they have the most to gain from being the ones to solve the problem. So how about we not waste all their income on pointless court battles when they could be spending it on... you know... cleaning up the fucking oil?

I swear. Any chance people get to pull someone down from their high horse, they will, even if it means mutually assured destruction.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Book != Cover...

So, a while back I was complaining about the gaming industry losing a lot of steam. I still think this is true, but I have to admit that I was slightly wrong about a couple of things. But, when I'm spouting off in a fit of irate ramblings, I'm not exactly fact checking every little bit. Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised when I finally broke down and picked up a copy of Resident Evil 5.

Now, I've always been a huge fan of the Resident Evil series, and I've been following the series since the first game on the PSX. However, lately with Resident Evil 4 and now Resident Evil 5, they've been getting rid of the whole 'zombie Apocalypse' thing and going for the 'bioterrorist threat' thing. While I can honestly say I do miss the whole 'zombie infested city streets' and only having a single clip of handgun ammo and an herb or two to keep me alive, I have to say that for what it is, Resident Evil 5 is well made. They've added a ton of new features to it and fixed a lot of the issues with the game engine developed for Resident Evil 4. The fast turn around is much more intuitive now, which I like, though the aiming is still a little irritating when you're trying to hit things too far away.

Another big plus that was kind of lacking in previous Resident Evil series up until 4 was the use of any kind of reliable melee attacks. In previous games, your only melee attack was with a knife. Now, I dunno if you've ever tried to stab a zombie, but if the guys really don't care about being shot, I don't think poking them with your knife is going to deter them all that much either. And it generally doesn't, so unless you've been playing so much that you can go through the entire game like a DDR player with their back turned to the screen (I.E. Japanese), the knife has always been pretty pointless for anything other than ripping up something that's already fallen after being shot. Well, they changed that in RE 4 and 5, and even more so in 5. I guess now that we're not fighting 'zombies' but just people infected with a virus that makes them crazy, they actually react to being hurt, at least a little bit. So, you can actually keep them back with the knife, or just a few shots to the arm or leg. Of course, with the addition of your enemies dropping ammo and items at random when they die, you're very rarely ever short on ammunition, so it kind of defeats the purpose of having an advanced melee system in place. But regardless, you can still bust out a kneecap and then while they stumble to the ground, swoop up from behind and slit their throat with the knife. That's always cool.

The co-op is well done, and it adds a whole lot to the Mercenaries mode, which made it's debut in Resident Evil 3, but got a remake in RE 4 and 5. It's a lot more fun slaying hordes of zombies with a friend. I think the only thing I don't like is that even though it's quite a fun game, it's not really Resident Evil anymore. The only thing that still gives it that Resident Evil feel is the fact that you can't shoot and move at the same time. A lot of people are turned off by this as it seems like something you would be able to do in any other modern game. But, honestly, if you didn't have to stand still to fire your weapon, the entire ordeal would be a cake walk. It does keep it feeling more like the RPG survival horror of the original RE games, instead of turning it into a Left 4 Dead clone, so I'm going to say I do like the fact that they've kept this mechanic unchanged. My main gripe is just that there's no more zombies. I mean, even in the later stages, you're facing 'infected' with AK47's and Rocket Launchers. Zombies don't use guns! Gha....

Well, with the ending of the game being the way it was, it'll be interesting to see where they take the series from here. I've always had a soft spot for the RE series, and I would love to see them go back to their roots, especially with all the new technology they have available, but I have to say that I was pleasently suprised with my recent purchase.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'll buy that for a dollar...

Alright, today was an interesting day. Well, not all of it, but the small part of it where I decided to get lunch. I went to Taco Bell because it's cheap and I'm white and too much of a pansy to eat real Mexican food. (But in my defence, I can still call Taco Bell authentic Mexican food if the entire staff is Mexican, right?) Anyway, so I'm standing there waiting for my order to be prepared and hoping to god they don't slop sour cream on my burrito even though I told them specifically not to put it on THREE FREAKING TIMES, and I happen to glance over and see this little advertisement that reads, "Help a student graduate! Donate 1 dollar to..." and some random charity thing. Now, I'm not really a charity type of person to begin with, but I mean, I can see that some of them have at least a smidge of validation for their groveling for cash. I mean, technically supporting disease research helps, even though half the money goes to funding the scientists Starbucks addictions, and donating to Children's charities technically helps keep the streets clear of enough of the brats so that we aren't shoving them off the sidewalk with shovels... but this one in particular... I just couldn't help but find myself completely lost on the point.

So basically, you want my money to help your dumb kid graduate? How the hell does this work? When did money become duct tape? Why is it every time there's a problem people think that if you donate enough money, it will eventually go away. What, do you think if we bribe aids enough money it'll stop infecting people? I mean, I'm not really ragging on charity organizations in general, but this is starting to get a bit out of hand. How exactly is me donating a dollar (Which is one extra taco, mind you.) going to make your kid less stupid? If your child needs my pocket change to help them graduate, then I think you should be a bit worried about his well being AFTER he graduates. I'm all for supporting education, but this doesn't even to seem to make any sense.

Though, I'm sure if I bothered to read the fine print I'd find some explanation as to how exactly my dollar finds a way to teach Timmy his times tables, but I'm guessing most people who donate their dollars don't. Which is what really gets me confused. They suddenly see the word 'donate' and they think that they're making some kind of difference. If the word 'donate' is enough to get people to throw money at me, I think I have a plan to get more tips at work.

Okay, this is my plan. I'm going to make a sign that says we desperately need a tip jar, but we currently can't afford one. So, I'll petition for people to donate money for us to get a proper tip jar. The sad thing is, I bet it would work on some people. Especially if the only way people seem to be able to graduate now days is from donations from cheap asses like myself eating at Taco Bell.

I fear for humanity sometimes.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Walker, Texas Robot...

So this is pretty neat. Today isn't going to be much of a rant so much as it is me sharing something I found recently that I thought was pretty awesome. Apparently a lab has been working on walking robots, but it's not Japanese. In fact, it's a company called Boston Dynamics, and what they've come up with is... well... impressive to say the least. Does anyone remember the ASIMO disaster? The one where Toyota's little walking robot fell down the stairs while they were presenting it? If not, here's a recap:



So anyway, while not as shiny and pretty as Toyota's walking doll, there's been a slightly different approach to walking robots being done by Boston Dynamics...

This guy is called Big Dog, and as you can see, he's a bit more stable than our Toyota friend from earlier. And by a bit I mean by a whole shitload. The part on the ice was what I found most impressive. Apparently this company has been working with walking robots for a long time and also have a bipedal robot in the works as well, called PETMAN. You can probably check that out on youtube as well. Needless to say, I'm quite impressed with this thing and I thought I'd share it with those of you who happen to drop by once in a while.

I think good things will be coming of this eventually, and not just for military purposes. I just wish more funding and focus was put on things like this. I hope they keep up the good work on this!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Love is a battlefield...

Okay, so I've been ignoring the blog scene for a bit for various reasons, mostly being that I'm lazy. Wait, scratch that. I'm not lazy - I'm energy efficient. There, that should keep all you green loving hippies content for a while. Anyway, on to the topic at hand...

So, occasionally I enjoy going into a little romp on the online gaming scene once in a while. You know: Halo 3, Wolfenstein Enemy Territory, Starcraft, Left 4 Dead etc... and that's all well and good. Fun times are often had by all until the accusations of homosexuality and sexual deviance involving one's mother come about, but that's par for course as far as the internet community is concerned. But that doesn't bother me too much. You get used to it, though the down side to online gaming is that my 'gamer tourettes' acts up. But other than that, it's often more enjoyable than fragging the same scripted enemies over and over again.

Online gaming is fun and all and it's a lot of things, but the one thing it isn't is a dating service. I often use the name "Clockwork Kitten" when I play online, hence the name you see on the blog, and of course this always stirs up the same question by my fellow players: "r u a girl??" Now, you can generally do one of two things in this situation... ignore the question and make it a point to headshot the person who asked the question to make a statement, or answer 'yes' and watch people's heads implode. I understand that it's a rarity to see a girl playing a game that doesn't involve lining up little sparkly colored jems (unless it happens to be Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo...), but it does happen. I know I shouldn't really be surprised at the reactions, but it does start to get irritating, mainly because they start asking for pictures or some crap, or if I have a boyfriend or whatever...

I never understood this completely... why is it that as soon as you mention the X chromosome, it's automatically assumed that there's a supermodel wanting to come over to your house and do things to you that best not be explained? I mean, I understand that everyone has their little fantasies, and I respect that. But when I'm trying to stick a plasma grenade to your forehead, I probably do not have any romantic interests in mind for you, unless you're into that sort of thing. Also, here's some things you guys should probably know about girl gamers:

From what I can tell, most guys think having a girl gamer as a girlfriend would be the most awesome thing ever. This probably isn't the case, the main reason being that girl gamers are a lot like guy gamers. You know all those women who complain that their men are stuck on World of Warcraft and won't get off of it, even if they strip down and lie down on the bed? Works both ways, guys... girl gamers are into their games just as much as you are. If you want to cuddle, but I haven't found a save point yet, you're just going to have to wait. Epic gear doesn't farm itself, kiddo. Also, I'm not interested in having a little MSN chat with you just because I joined your game. I'm probably there to watch your head explode through the scope of a high powered rifle. Secondly, if you're going to attempt to date a girl gamer, you need to have a few pre-requisites to keep them happy. First and foremost is a fast, stable internet connection. Don't try to pull the wireless shit, it's hardline all the way. Second, you probably would be good to have two separate TV's, or one huge TV so splitscreen doesn't feel like pulling teeth. Also, don't suck at the games you do own. If there's one thing I hate it's the, "I'll go easy on you." bullshit. You can hold open a door for me, you can buy me dinner, you can bring me breakfast in bed, but I'll be damned if you're going to not at least try to keep up...

And then there's the ones that get upset when they get their asses handed to them when they ARE trying, because they feel like someone just blew their balls off with a BFG when a girl kicks their ass. Though, this one just makes me laugh, so I don't mind. My point is, when a girl logs into a game online, they probably aren't there looking for love. They're looking to increase their frag count. So if you see me online, do me a favor: Make like a good target dummy and Shut up and Stand Still.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Okay, so the other day I had to get gas for my car. It happens, I hate it because then I have to stand outside in the cold (It was late) and spend money. I'm all for spending money if I get something awesome out of it, like shoes or something, but no... all I get is another week's worth of going to work. So I'm not particularly thrilled about the whole prospect, but it has to be done.

Anyway, as I stated it was late so they closed the little mini-mart thing and you had to pay through the little window with the microphone. It's a bit inconvenient, but for just pumping gas, it's not a big deal. However, that night something interesting happened. I was on my way to the window and some guy is trying to buy a pack of cigarettes. No big deal, I guess. Happens all the time, but apparently this intellectual gold mine had 'forgotten his ID at home'. Like that's ever been true. (Well, actually, this one time I had to buy a bottle of Captain Morgan for a party I was going to, and DID actually leave my ID at home, but that's beside the point.)

So of course, in tune with what I will refer to as 'The Law' the guy in the little glass box informs our protagonist that without a proper ID, he can't sell him cigarettes. At first, our hero seems defeated, and turns with that dejected puppy head lowered pose as he makes his way to the car. The one he drove here. Without a license. But wait, there is still hope! I could hear the frazzle of a fuse blowing as our protagonist comes up with a cunning plan!

Oh wait, no. He just asks the same question again. But louder. And amazingly enough, he gets the same answer. Who would have seen THAT ONE coming, eh? But does that hinder his quest for charred lungs? Of course not! It's obvious that the evil man in the glass box is denying this poor person's constitutional right to slowly kill himself. So, being the genius that he is, he begins to get irate and asks to speak to a manager. At 3am. I doubt they even have a janitor on duty at this hour. Oh, but it gets better. Not to be outdone he then demands for the attendants name, threatening with legal action...

I'm going to pause here, and break away from our scenario with a little dose of reality: What the FUCK are you going to do? Sue the guy for upholding the law? I sat there dumbfounded as this whole thing took place because the level of idiocy required to come up with this plan seemed immeasurable. He actually threatened legal action because someone wouldn't break the law for him. Are you serious? On top of that, he was driving without a license, and stated that he was driving without a license? Is his plan to go to prison so he can pawn his ass for cigarettes? While I admit if this were true, I'd have to admire the man's dedication to cancer, however I don't think that was his master plan.

I then got a little pissed off because I saw what was going on here. The guy was simply trying to bully his way into getting what he wanted with no disregard for anyone else. The poor attendant probably just wanted to go home, hates his job and the last thing he needs is some fucking moron harassing him for something that's not even his fault. I felt bad. I really did. If I wasn't scared of getting shot, I'd probably have walked over there and chewed the guy out for being such a waste of flesh. So, after the guy finally left - without his cigarettes - I paid for my gas. I almost wanted to apologize to the attendant for being part of the same race as that scumbag, but I figured that might be kind of creepy, so I kept it to myself.

I seriously could not believe what I just saw. It's times like this I wish I'd gone into law enforcement for the soul purpose of getting rid of the dredges of society that wander about, but I'm too cowardly to put myself in the line of fire. The vastness of human stupidity seems to grow with each passing day. Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll go critical and implode on itself...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Would you like fries with that...?

I try not to talk too much about things directly related to my personal life, as the internet is a big place and you never know who gets into what, but I have some things to say simply because I cannot take it anymore.

For a bit of background, I'm currently working for an locally owned, independent restaurant chain. It pays the bills, so for now, it's what's getting me by. We've all had one of 'those' jobs. Anyway, as such, I get to interact with a plethora of different people from all walks of life. It's a cultural menagerie that is sometimes kind of entertaining to watch. However, I've come to one ultimate conclusion:

A lot of people are really stupid.

I know I've said this before. A lot. But in this particular case, I really really mean it. So, as a public service, I'd like to go over some basic things that people should know when they walk into a restaurant of any kind.

1. When there's a sign that says, 'Order Here' in big bold letters, it generally means you don't have to ask, "Can I order here?"

2. When you order something plain, that generally means it comes with nothing but the base materials of the meal. That does not mean it comes with mayo. That's not what plain is.

2a. After ordering something plain, it is unnecessary to add, "With no onions." that already comes with the 'plain' bit.

3. When someone asks you what size you'd like, "Yes" is not considered a size.

3a. "Yes" is also not a flavor.

4. As a courtesy, you will sometimes be asked if you wanted something you may have forgotten. Like fries, or a drink. It would be in your best interest to listen to what people are asking you, instead of going, "No thanks, but let me get two fries and a large Coke with that."

4. "Root beer Soda" is redundant. Root beer only comes in one state: Soda. So, there's no reason to get in your car vehicle, drive down the road street, and come into the restaurant food place and order a root beer soda.

5. When you have the choice between Large and Small, "Medium" is not an option. Even if you ask for it twice.

5a. Unless specifically stated on the menu, "Regular" is also not a size.

6. If there are no numbers on the menu, do not expect us to know what you want when you order a "Number 1."

7. Do not order a bacon double cheese burger with extra cheese, two corn dogs, two fries and a small Diet Coke. We will laugh at you when you're not looking.

8. If you are going to throw garbage on the floor, at least have the common decency to do it when no one is looking directly at you. Especially if it's an employee holding a broom and dustpan.

9. If there are 5 people in line behind you waiting to order, it's probably not worth it to spend 10 minutes digging for 28 cents in change if you don't have to. You are not making things easier on anybody.

10. If you want something 'well done' it's probably best to let us know before we wrap it up and hand it to you.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but hopefully this is enough to illustrate the fact that being a moron can happen to anyone, at any time. The best way to prevent yourself from looking like a complete idiot is to think before you speak. It works wonders. You should try it some time.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It wasn't funny the first time...

Great. April 1st is only a day away. Everyone knows what that means. April Fool's Day. I absolutely hate April Fool's Day. Why? Well, let me enlighten you...

First off, I don't like pranks. I never have. I couldn't get into shows like Jackass because I don't see what's so funny about making other people miserable. I'm just not that kind of person. Yeah, I know, I'm kinda weird in the fact that human suffering doesn't make me giggle. Sorry Vlad, just not my thing. I've always been a big believer in the whole, 'If you don't like the game, don't play it.' thing. As such, on top of the fact that I find pranks to be annoying and unfunny, I also do not play them on anyone else. Ever. I would like to think that people would have the common decency to leave me out of this stupid little game of theirs every year. Unfortunately life is not fair and people are assholes.

Inevitably at some point I'm going to get a phone call. This phone call will probably be from the guy in the scheduling department, informing me that so-and-so has called in sick and I'm going to have to cover the shittiest shift we have. And do extra work. And I will inform him that he's full of shit and he needs to leave me the fuck alone. Of course, he'll continue with 'No, really. I'm not joking.'

Why do people do this?

It's obvious you've been caught. It's over. But people insist that 'No, no! This is not a prank! For reals!' and you can argue with them for 20 minutes on it, and they will deny it until they're blue in the face. So finally, you cave in and give up because you just want to get on with your life and go, 'Really?'

Then it hits:

"Haha! April Fools! I totally got you."

No. You didn't. I told you you didn't. The only only fool here is you for wasting my fucking time. I knew it was a joke. It was blatantly obvious. The only reason I 'fell for it' was so that you would shut the fuck up. Being an annoying twat does not make you funny, sorry. This is why I hate April Fool's, and pranks in general. Most of them are stupid, and are totally transparent. But the person will insist, regardless of how improbable the premise may be, that they are telling the truth. That's not how funny works.

Ugh, I'm dreading that day. I want to call in sick, turn off my phone and lock my door and hide under my bed. But in the end the joke's still on me because I'm once again sacrificing the enjoyment of my day to idots with nothing better to do than torment me even further.

Do you need a permit to own a taser? I should look into that, I think it will bring much satisfaction to my daily life if I can shock the shit out of someone every time they do something stupid...

...It'd probably cost a fortune in batteries, though.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Does it hurt when I do this...?

Is there a contest going on that I'm not aware of? It seems like it, because every day people come up with new and original ways to irritate the crap out of me. If there's some kind prize here, let me know, cause I think I'm entitled to part of it.

So earlier I'm at work, minding my own business and doing my boring ass job. Things suck, as usual, but that's about normal. Suddenly, I notice something off to the side and then I realize what it is. There's a bee hovering nearby. I'm not a fan of bees, so I jump up and back away. Then my co-worker chimes in:

"What's wrong?"

And I inform him that there's a bee. Then, his reaction is one that I often get when I point out the presence of a bee...

"Are you allergic?"

At this point, I become irritated. No, I'm not allergic to bees. I never have been, and I let him know this. Then his next response is what really drives me nuts.

"What's the problem then?"

Uh, it fucking hurts to get stung? Hello? I don't have to be allergic to not enjoy pain. What the hell kind of reasoning is that? Just because it's not potentially fatal doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a bitch. I've never liked bees, and that whole, 'if you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone' line is complete bullshit. They are vindictive little jerks who will search and destroy without mercy. I've witnessed this first hand and experienced it quite a few times, none of which were enjoyable experiences at all. And being the somewhat intelligent person I am, I have learned not to fuck with them, and to get the hell away from them as soon as humanly possible. So why is it that just because I'm not allergic, everyone seems to be oblivious to the fact that being stung STILL FUCKING HURTS?

Here, let me stab you in the fucking hand. I mean, you're not allergic to knives are you? You'll be fine. God, sometimes I think people do this shit on purpose, because despite all the supporting evidence stating otherwise, I still have a hard time believing that people can be that utterly stupid.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Jellyfish: 1, Humans: 0....

So if you haven't heard, which you probably haven't, immortality is no longer science-fiction. Well, at least for one species. Apparently despite all of mankind's best efforts to fight off our greatest enemy - old age - it would seem that some random jellyfish the size of a finger just happened to figure it out on accident. Scientists have discovered an immortal jellyfish.

Well, potentially. It would seem that the jellyfish aren't smart enough to know that they're dying from old age, but if you poke them the wrong way, they will revert back to their child-state at the drop of a hat. So in a nutshell, they return to being a newborn jellyfish and start their life all over again, without actually dying.

As interesting as this news tends to be, it more or less shows how ironic life can turn out.

Here we are thinking we're at the top of our game. We've got computers, cars, guns and chocolate chip cookies. I mean, we're what every other species wishes it could be. Yet with all of our dazzling lights and shiny plastic achievements, we cannot escape death from simple age. And here some little jellyfish that doesn't even realize there's anything above the top of the ocean goes and simply becomes immortal because it feels like it. How's that for a 6 to 24 tentacle slap to the face, eh?

Of course, the scientists are saying that no research is being done on figuring out how this trait can benefit humans. Right. If I found the fountain of youth, I'd only be interested in the historical aspects as well. Hold on, I forgot something: </bullshit>

I would hope someone's digging around in these little fuckers for some answers. I mean sure, we pretty much know how they do it, but even so, it's not something you come across every day. There's something more to be drawn from this other than "Well golly, ain't that fascinating!" Chances are there's not going to be much to work with and some little fucking sea creature is going to sit back and mock us from it's little glass tube while we rot away trying to figure out it's little secret.

Am I jealous? Fuck yes. It's not fair, damnit. Why does some little blob of cells with no comprehension that it's even really alive get to have immortality, when people like me, who have a lot of shit to do and not a lot of time to do it have to suffer with getting about 30 or 40 solid years of enjoyment before I become too old to stand upright without breaking something?

I don't really hate the little fuckers though, I mean it's not like they did anything wrong. But it still seems like a complete waste. Nature's stupidity strikes again!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Once upon a time...

Great. Alice in Wonderland was released. No, I haven't seen it. I probably won't. I'm not much of a movie person to begin with, but holy fucking hell... I think the end of theater as we know it is upon us. They just have no more ideas for movies, do they? It's just a remake of a remake of a remake at this point.

And I'm probably going to start hailing this as the 'Depp' phenomenon because every single time one of these horrid rehashes gets put on screen guess who's in it? Johnny Depp. I do not dislike Johnny Depp as an actor, and he was quite entertaining in Pirates of the Caribbean. However just because he plays one crazy guy well does not make him good at playing another crazy guy well. A good example of this is Micheal Keaton. He was amazing at playing a crazy guy in Beetle Juice. But when cast as another crazy guy, Batman, he wasn't really all that great. But then again, Batman has the depth of a puddle, and the only reason why there's been a dozen or so movies about him is because everyone wants to see the fucked up villains he has to deal with. No one cares about Batman, honestly.

Back on point, I heard recently that they're going to remake Karate Kid. Are you kidding me? I remember when the ORIGINAL was released in theaters. I am NOT THAT OLD god damnit! Do they have any idea how traumatizing this kind of thing is to a person? You shouldn't do a remake when people who remember the original are only in their mid-twenties. WTF, are you getting that stressed for ideas?

Of course, if they aren't making remakes, they're making generic love movies. Girl meets guy, girl embarrasses herself in front of guy, asks friends for help, stupid shit happens involving a dog, guy falls for girl's cute and awkward style, evil bitch ex-girlfriend gets chastised in front of her parents and friends, movie ends. That's pretty much it. I should win an Oscar for pulling on the nation's heartstrings with that one.

And of course, if you can't do that, there's always the 'documentary style screenplay about the oppressed' thing to fall back on. Find an important person in history who was oppressed, find a big name actor that can be dressed up like him, and then read a few biographies from the library and you're sure to win at the Oscars with your 'touching tribute to a great person'. Give me a break.

This is generally why I don't watch movies. Most are garbage. I didn't see Avatar and I probably won't. A friend of mine compared it to Fern Gully. The fuck is this? The biggest movie hit of this last year was a remake of FERN GULLY?! I've lost all faith in Hollywood. You never see anything original and fun anymore. You know what were some good movies? Back to the Future, Short Circuit, Innerspace, and pretty much anything produced by Don Bluth (Except Titan A.E. That was utter garbage).

I don't see how anyone can actually say they enjoy movies anymore unless they have the mental capacity of a snail. 99% of everything produced is crap. Or a crappy remake of something that was good.

I recently took a poll of people I met to see who had seen the original Dr. Doolittle. Not the one with Eddie Murphy, but the original one in 1967 with the Giant Pink Sea Snail. No one had. It was depressing. Meh, I guess if you can't fit a rap montage into it somewhere, people just aren't interested anymore.

Monday, March 8, 2010

If we ignore them, maybe they'll go away...

So, me and a few friends were going to make a trip out to San Fransico the other day. Thursday, actually. We were going to go to the Japanese shopping center, enjoy a little anime and sushi. General geek stuff. Anyway, we're on our way there and suddenly traffic starts to get heavy. Really heavy. Then it just stopped. We were confused and frustrated. Time was ticking before all the good places closed and here we were sitting in what seemed to be deadlocked traffic. Then cars started going into park, engines started to shut off. The freeway became one big parking lot. Shortly after this, we found out the cause...

Apparently, some group of brilliant minds decided that a good way to promote a protest would be to stand in the middle of the freeway. For 4 hours. Now, I'm not really a political person, and I don't really get involved in this, that or whatever when it comes to where the budget is going and all that. But my common sense would tell me that if you wanted to get people to follow your cause, it would probably NOT be a good idea to piss off nearly half of the metropolitan area by blocking traffic for 4 hours. I mean, there's other forms of peaceful protest. You could set yourself on fire, for example.

What hurts the most is the reason why these people were protesting. They were trying to protest cuts in the educational budget. Now, I don't know if this was meant to be ironic or not, but it's really the only explanation I have for people doing something so utterly stupid. Were they trying to show that without an education budget, people would become so utterly moronic as they would think it was a good idea to actually stand in the freeway for 4 hours? It's possible, but I doubt it. I've learned not to give people that much credit. Most likely this was the only way the genius that came up with this plan could figure out how to get attention without doing something illegal. Oh wait. He got arrested and charged with two felonies. Someone didn't think their cunning plan all the way through.

On top of missing out on my little romp through manga-ville, I was twice as pissed off that something I actually support, which is education of the masses (Something that is sorely lacking nearly anywhere you go...) would have such a bunch of dumb-asses trying to stage such an asinine display on it's behalf. They've probably done more harm than good with this little stunt as everyone pretty much hates the people involved and have probably ruined any chance the budget had of being fixed. Way to go guys

And people wonder why everything comes with an instruction manual in 4 different languages. Fuck, even Top Ramen has directions with PICTURES on it. How fucking hard is: 'Add hot water, wait five minutes.'? Seriously. If you can't figure this out without a diagram, then I think you really need to sit back and reflect on your life.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

No Dogs Allowed...

Okay, I know it's odd for me to have a stint where I ignore my blog for a while then suddenly make two posts in the same day, but in my defense my last post was made at 4am before I went to bed. So technically this is tomorrow. This is also one of the reasons I don't own pets. I don't like having to pay attention to things for long periods of time.

Which brings me to a mini-rant today: Dogs.

So, there's this dog. My mom's friend's dog, to be exact. It's been left here for a few hours while they go off to a bridal shower or something of that nature. Apparently, this thing thinks that the end of the world is neigh, and that it will never have human contact as long as it lives. I've been happily obliging it by keeping my bedroom door shut but dear fucking god, the thing has not lost it's voice yet, despite yapping at the fucking door ever since they left.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that yes, I do happen to live with my mother at this time, but no I'm not in the basement and it's because doing so provides a cheaper rent situation for us both at the moment. I have a job, and up until two months ago was living quite well on my own, thank you very much.

Anyway, back to the dog. So this is why I hate dogs. Similar to why I hate babies. Because they require attention, a lot of attention. What happens if they don't get the attention they seek? They make noise. Lots and lots of noise. Lots of irritating noise. You know, I kind of sympathize for the Grinch a bit. Everyone thought he was just a grouchy old green guy who hated Christmas. I think it was more along the lines that he lived next to a bunch of inconsiderate a-holes that let their kids run around screaming at 4am and played loud obnoxious music on the weekends while he was trying to nap. Kind of like where I live now. These fuckers don't deserve Christmas.

Okay, anyway, I was getting back to the dog, yes. So anyway, dogs are annoying for various reasons. They smell bad, they drool, they can't be litter trained which means they need to go outside often, and if you're not constantly paying attention to them they yap like a motherfucker. Why is it dogs never lose their voice? Is this some kind of cosmic joke where I can yell at the top of my lungs for 2 and a half hours about something and then get punished by not being able to talk the next day or two, but these little fuckers can go on and on for 6 to 10 hours a day and keep going like the Energizer fucking bunny. Now, I'm not a pet person. The only reason I live with cats is because my mom takes care of them. I do like cats, I just don't like taking care of things. You know why cats are better than dogs? Let me explain:

Cats are self sufficient individuals that can occupy themselves with some form of entertainment when you are not available to pet them. I like that. They're very much 'now' animals. They are flexible and can work out something to do if you don't have the time to mess with them. Dogs, however, are not. They require constant attention from you, and if you so much as look in the other direction they start freaking out like they've got abandonment issues ingrained in their fucking skulls from birth, even if you've had the thing from before it can remember it's own existence. The things go on like they're going to fucking die if you leave them alone for more than 2 minutes, and I don't see how anyone can put up with it. Some people think it's cute, or are so emotionally scarred that they believe that a dog's affection and 'loyalty' make them feel like someone depends on them. Fuck that. They're obnoxious, greedy little assholes that are all about 'me' and can care less if you have something you'd rather be doing than giving them a belly rub or playing fetch for the 40th thousand time. I don't need some animal clamped on my leg to feel validated in my existence.

Actually, this sounds like 90% of all relationships I've ever seen. Maybe I should just chalk this one up to people being stupid, and thinking that if they suffer enough, they will automatically get something for all their hard work. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and sometimes you stand in line for 4 hours only to find out that you're in the line for the bathroom instead of that cool ride you thought you were waiting for at the amusement park. Lucky for you, though, all that waiting probably made you have to go to the bathroom anyway, so you feel validated in your decision even though you could have just gone home and used your own bathroom instead of wasting your fucking time.

Press any key to continue...

As I've stated previously, I'm a gamer. I like video games. Amazingly enough, video games also come on computers. Sorry, I should have told you to sit down before I brought you this shocking revelation. So, as one may guess, in order to play certain games one must own a working computer. And not just any computer, no...

You'd think that the concept that you can't put new shit in old shit would have sunk into the general populous by now, but you'd be wrong. No matter how much technology is force fed down people's throats by companies like Apple and Nintendo, people are still blissfully unaware of something called SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS. No, your 1990 Dell Dimension running Windows ME would not be a good candidate for Half-life 2. In fact, I still have gut feeling that these people think that computers come from a magical pocket dimension where gnomes control everything with the power of their mind and gracefully allow us access to their mystical technologies if we ask nicely enough. Because of this, people get the wrong idea if you say you know how a computer works.

I'm not a Linux geek. I'm not a network admin and I don't know the difference between PHP and PCP, other that one makes people go crazy with prolonged use and the other one is a drug sold on the street. The point is, when someone says, "Hey, do you know about computers?" your answer should always be no. Because if you say yes, even if it means you know how to use a mouse well enough to check your email without your braincells having a structural failure on par with the Hindenburg disaster, people will automatically assume you are a mystical practitioner of the lost and forbidden arts used to control the demons that work the mystical machines that make our lives so much easier. This is not the fucking case. I know how to put a computer together, but it's not that fucking hard. If you can play with Legos, you can put together a fucking computer. Especially in this day and age. The pieces are fucking COLOR CODED. You don't even have that advantage with Legos! Of course, that's just the basics. Which is what I know. The basics. Tab A goes in Slot B, you push the button, drop in a disk, wait for a few bars to load and that's it. That's the extent of my knowledge as far as computers go. Why? Because I use them to play games and write stupid shit on the internet when I'm bored. I don't need a Master's Degree in computer science for this, honestly. However, it never fails that someone inevitably asks me, "Hey, my computer is broken, can you take a look at it for me?" In an ideal world, I would look at it and go, "Yeah, it's broken. Sucks to be you." and be on my merry way, but apparently when someone asks me to look at their ancient piece of technology with more dust than the Smithsonian, I'm automatically supposed to know what's wrong with it, AND how to fix it, simply because I know the difference between a Hard Drive and RAM.

Needless to say, I'm a pansy and will drive myself crazy trying to figure out what the buttfuck is wrong with a machine I would rather throw out a window than look at. Now, if it's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending to know more about something than I actually do. But it's really not that hard. Like I said before, people are idiots and as long as you use a couple words with more than three syllables in them on a regular basis, people will automatically assume you have a college education, or are at least generally knowledgeable in whatever it is you're talking about. Sometimes this can bite you in the ass. Especially since people that know the hardcore computer stuff and write the programs people want to use are sadistic fucks that know you have no idea what it is you're trying to do and taunt you by making a program spew errors with descriptions that sound like they've been ripped directly from the Necronomicon. One shining example of this is when you get an error that reads something along the lines of, "General Protection Fault 000FxFFC24" or something. What the fuck exactly is that supposed to tell us other than, "Your computer is fucked and you're too dumb to know how, so we'll give you the answer in some technical riddle that would require a manual the size of an Xbox to decipher." I think some of these guys are really bitter about the whole 'user friendly' revolution. (Though I can't totally blame them for being irritated.)

It doesn't help matters when your even more incompetent friend who is relying on you to solve their problem for free so they won't have to fork out money for a real repair person is hounding you to fix their problem with the mystical powers given to you when you bought your first motherboard. Let me tell you right now that computers are a pain in the ass when they're not entertaining you. It's like a sadistic grandparent painting all the Easter eggs with jungle camo and hiding them in patches of elephant grass. For instance, one guy's computer I worked on, it was running slow and the mouse would cut out from time to time. Well, when a computer is lagging, the first thing that comes to mind is that there's too many background programs running, spyware, etc. So we fish through the thing looking for the culprit and come up empty. We can't figure it out. After two days of going crazy trying to figure this out, we find out it might be a problem with the power supply. Turns out it was. Now, logically.... how would you come to the conclusion that the power supply of all things would generate computer lag? I mean if you go the round about way and see it from the final perspective, it sort of makes sense, sure. But it makes sense in the same way the end of the Sherlock Holmes movie made sense after they told you all the secrets you didn't see. How the fuck was I supposed to figure that out on my own, honestly? That's like the last thing you'd think of. Or maybe I'm just stupid. The point is, working on computers sucks and I'm getting ready to buy this shirt and wear it every day under my normal clothes so on the off chance someone asks me to look at their computer I can rip off my other clothes in Clark Kent fashion and proudly display that no, I will NOT fix their fucking computer.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Five more minutes...

Okay, so my internal procrastination has been hitting the snooze a lot longer than I thought, and it's been almost 10 days since my last post. Yeesh. Well, anyway, I had a rant prepared (somewhat) for the Super Bowl, but I got pulled away half way through and forgot to finish it, so.... little late, but here you go:

Last Sunday, at least for those of us living in the United States, is probably the most infamous Sunday in the history of the country. And no, I'm not talking about Easter. It was the Super Bowl, a time for men to revel in the sport dressing in tight clothing and chasing down a ball and in a field of grass while attempting to grab and smother each other as much as possible. A sport of glory, of spirit and of fame, which two teams enter and only one team leaves victorious.

I hate football. But, to be fair, I hate most sports.

Yeah, I know, comparing football to a gay orgy has been done before but it's still funny. That's one of the many things I don't get about men. They are so intent on contradicting themselves that it almost seems like the national past time of this nation should be a bullshitting contest. I'm not saying football players are gay, because I'm sure they're not. And I'm not saying that people that watch football are gay, because gay people are smarter than that. What I'm getting at is that men go to great lengths to keep themselves distanced from each other in an attempt to avoid the classification of being homosexual. They won't hug, they rarely even pat each other on the back... I think the only physical contact they allow is a firm handshake from a distance of at least 2 feet away. And only with a specific hand. Yet you put them in a jersey and all of a sudden it's chest bumps, pats on the ass and choke holds. What the fuck did I miss here, because these guys were acting like they were dealing with a leprosy victim not two minutes ago? And they say that WE'RE confusing? Bwha?

I've also noticed that, whether it's on purpose or not, pigs seem to be the symbol of manliness. I'm not saying exactly that men are pigs or anything, but look at the facts here: When men let their male urges take full control, they are called pigs. Most men, when left to live on their own create a mess often refered to as a pig sty. They love bacon. A football is referred to as a pig skin, and while watching this sport, the snack of choice is pork rinds. It's not so much that I think men are pigs as they have an unwritten kinship with the animal that goes far beyond mere coincidence. Not that it's a bad thing, I mean.... I have nothing against pigs myself. I just thought I'd point it out.

Moving on, as you can tell, this rant is mainly about men. I'm not having man troubles unless you consider the fact that they confuse the fuck out of me on a regular basis as 'man troubles.' I'm happily single, thank you. The point of the matter is, I don't understand why they insist on making everything as difficult as possible just to try and prove some point no one cares about but them. A good example of this is directions. Men hate being given directions, whether it's driving or putting something together. They just can't stand it, like it's some personal insult that they might not know how to do something they've never done before. How does that make any sense? No one is going to think you're less of a man for not knowing how to do something you've never done before, yet if you pose a challenge to them, they will automatically claim that they know what they are doing and don't need any damn instructions. My dad was notorious for this. Even things like microwave dinners, he wouldn't read the instructions. He'd just throw the whole thing in for 6 minutes on high. It could be anything, 6 minutes on high. He couldn't use an oven to save his life. But that's okay because men don't cook. Cooking is a woman's job, right? Unless it's a barbecue. Then it's 'Move outta the way, darlin', I gots meat to cook.' Excuse me? How is cooking something on a stove any different than cooking it over an open flame? Food is fucking food, and you still have to prepare it the same way. I love how men love to say that it's not their job to cook, yet when you go on the food network, the majority of the hosts are male. Men cook. They like to cook, but if you tell them that they will deny it till the day they die. Having a skill that makes your life BETTER is not less manly. Men are so overly concerned about their manliness it's not even funny, check out some of the commercials that played this year during the Super Bowl:

For the Dodge Charger:

For Dockers:

You know, it's not that I hate men or anything, trust me. I'd much rather have a guy next to me in bed than a woman. They're just so irritating sometimes that it makes me want to scream. They're so full of inconsistancies and logical failings that it makes me feel like I'm stuck in some horrible Twilight Zone episode sometimes. But, I guess maybe that layer of WTF surrounding them protects them from the harshness of reality and keeps them from turning in a quivering pile of goo. I dunno.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Made with all-natural ingredients...

Am I the only one about fed up with all this organic and all-natural bullshit being plastered all over today's consumer products? It sure seems like it, because it's like suddenly somebody had a mid-life crisis after eating a bowl of frosted flakes and ran down the street screaming 'My life is a lie!' because they found out there was high-fructose corn syrup in it, which in turn caused wide spread panic in the fact that all the unhealthy, greasy shit we consume every day may contain *gasp* fake grease. Isn't it odd that 20 years ago, scientists were raving about the fact that one day we may be able to get all of our daily nutrition from one simple pill, making life so much easier for people trying to stay healthy only to finally be one step away from it being reality and suddenly have everyone scream how unnatural it is and demanding everyone go back to 'real food'. It may just be me, but does that seem counter-productive to anyone else? Okay, so what I'm getting from this is the whole point of scientific progress is to waste time and resources to create things that people are going to decide they don't want 10 years down the road...

You know, this is why I hate hippies. It's not just the drugs, but that's part of it. The only good thing about hippies is that their name reflects who they are pretty accurately, because these people are the biggest bunch of hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. That's not an accomplishment to take lightly, either. The fight for this title is pretty fierce. Seriously though, if they had it their way we'd all be living in grass huts and be stoned 90% of the day, and some how this is considered 'enlightenment'. Right. The biggest thing that irritates me about these nature freaks though, is their constant use of buzzwords like organic and all-natural that, when put into perspective, don't make much sense at all. Let's take a simple look at the biggest word, Natural, shall we...?

So, Natural means something that comes from nature. Simple enough, right? But then by that definition, everything on the fucking planet is natural because it all came from the planet. That includes the 10 story high rise condos with the penthouse apartments with the air conditioning, dimmer lighting and WiFi access. I mean, how is it not? All the materials used to create it were cultivated from the earth. We're not just pulling this shit out of some pocket dimension full of strange and magnificent wonders that mankind could only dream of making himself. It's basic elements that have been refined into something usable. Not that complicated.

And of course, the first argument I always get from these tree-huggers is, "Well it didn't grow that way! That's not natural!" Yeah. You're right. It doesn't. But neither do bee hives, birds nests, beaver dams, anthills, rabbit burrows or spider webs. They're all created by taking natural resources and crafting them into something that doesn't happen naturally. But of course, most people consider these things to be perfectly natural. I love when I go to the store and see things like, "All-natural honey." Yes. Congratulations on purchasing regurgitated plant matter that just happens to be kept in a particular set of conditions to transform it into a completely different substance from it's original form. But at least it's natural, right? Give me a break. But it's so easy to try and separate ourselves from animals and say that just because we can put together a device that transforms electrical signals into pretty colors it's completely different because we're not as dumb as a beaver, who can only stack wood on top of one another and pack it in place using mud as a reinforcing agent. It's the same fucking thing.

This is the reason I call them hypocrites. Because they feel like they've no longer become a part of nature but instead have to become it's keeper, like they're some demi-god of the fucking woodland. No, you're flesh and blood like nearly everything else that moves on this planet and I'll be damned if I ever see any other animals worry about conservation or even complete genocide if the conditions were right. Animals don't fucking care if what they do destroys the environment, we've seen this in creatures like locusts and rats all the time. Given the option, polar bears would happily let sea lions go extinct if it meant a full stomach. This shit does not happen in nature, but suddenly you've become some agent of Gaia who's mission is to protect all the cute and fuzzy woodland creatures who would rather gut you than look at you? Humans have evolved this way because it's our natural progression. So yes, these 'urban jungles' are as natural as birds building nests and moles digging holes. It's what we do as a species, there's nothing unnatural about it. Trying to go against this type of evolutionary progress is by far one of the most unnatural things you can do. So if you so much as try to tell me how trees are better than street lights, so help me I will bury you in the ground next to an ant-hill and smother you in some organic, all-natural honey.

This isn't even the end of the madness though. They've recently gone back to putting real sugar in soda again. Bwha?! Back up, I'm a bit confused here. I was always told that shit was bad for you and the whole reason artificial sweeteners exist is because of the fact that they were engineered to be HEALTHIER than fucking sugar. Now all of a sudden out of nowhere this shit we've spent years developing for the soul purpose it was a healthy alternative to sugar is BAD for you because it's not natural? The fuck? That's not how things work. The world is not that convenient.

I am so fucking tired of people jumping on every new hype because fancy words are attached to it. 'Healthier' soda? For fuck's sake if you're that much of a health nut that you actually care whether or not there's real sugar in your damn chemical cocktail, you shouldn't be drinking it in the first place, idiot.

You know what we really need? We need to discover some all-natural, certified organic, not-from-concentrate way of making people less stupid.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Does this make me look fat...?

So today is my girly rant day. Deal with it. There's a couple of factors that have brought this on. Mostly this horrible excuse for fashion that's been plaguing the world lately, which isn't helped by the fact that everyone who's got a 6 figure income has a clothing line that looks exactly the same as every other clothing line to come out in the last year and a half. Now, I'm not one of those pretentious underground chicks that only shops at Hot Topic and goes into a blood rage at the mention of the name Gucci. In fact, I'm not really into fashion enough to know most of the brands on the market today. What I do know is that the world seems to have become as tasteless as the parking lot of a 711. Not to say it isn't full of flavor, but just because something is flavorful doesn't mean it's going to taste good. For me, I mix and match and try to find things that look good. I'm not a fashion designer, mainly because my hair is only one color, but even I can tell there's a problem here. At first I thought, "Maybe it's just because I live in Idiotville, USA.." but those hopes of salvation were quickly dashed when I realized that a lot of the world seems to be following the same trend. When did "Ghetto Fabulous" become a style? I'm just curious.

It's like people have decided that they don't want to try anymore. Looking half decent isn't a hard thing to do. I'm not a supermodel, and I know people that have it worse off than me, but finding a good look isn't always just about being sexy. But apparently someone passed around a note saying that as long as you flash as much flesh as possible, it automatically makes you sexy and everyone jumped on the bandwagon because it seemed easy enough of a rule to follow. Here's a few things I've noticed that are setups for major disasters:

1. Low cut jeans are for people with hips wider than their waist. That's what it's designed for. Unless you want to be the next Pillsbury spokeswoman, don't wear low cut ANYTHING if you have a beer gut that rivals Homer Simpson.

2. Just because a song came out that used the words 'boots with the fur' doesn't automatically make this a recipe for success. Anything with fur trim generally works better if you have something ELSE with similar fur trim on. Like a jacket. It also helps if said article of clothing is at least in the same approximate color range of the afore-mentioned boots.

3. Avocado green never looks good. On anything.

4. Neither does neon orange. Unless you happen to work in construction.

5. Protip- No one likes your triple nose piercing that connects to your upper lip with a chain. It's discusting and it's all in your head. Whoever told you otherwise was lying to you.

There are many other things, but this list could go on forever and I don't have that kind of time. The point is, it's not hard to make things look good, but you have to find what works for you, not just because everyone else is wearing it. I swear if I see another Beyonce wannabe wandering around, I'm going to carve that muffin top hanging over their too tight pants straight from their gut and strangle them with it.

Even the brand names of some of the clothes coming out are utterly retarded. Okay, so I saw this pair of jeans the other day with a cute little cat on the pocket. I was like, "Oh, that's kinda cool. These look neat." so I look at the tag.... Now... I have a serious question here: How many times does one have to be beaten over the head and how many paint chips must one consume to decide that "Baby Phat" is a good name for an adult clothing line? Anyone? Because I can't see it. The mere stupidity belching from that tag made me almost want to drop the clothing immediately and soak my hands in sulfuric acid for a good day and a half. But like I said before, I'm not really into brand names so as long as the actual brand name isn't etched across my ass in bright gold lettering. If it's subtle, I might give it a shot. The cat was kind of cute...(Speaking of which, how do you come up with a cat for a logo when your line is called "Baby Phat"? I'm guessing there were some heavy drugs involved in the creation of this idea.) but dear god, it's like the worst name you can possibly come up with for a line of clothing designed for adult women. Wearing something with a name like that makes me feel like an obese greasy pedophile. Ugh.

Anyway, I also spend a lot of time in Second Life, as the little link in my nuggets of joy suggests (No, you can't have my name just yet. I'm not sure I want stalkers.) and I can tell you right now this disease has spread faster than the bubonic plague. It's what I call 'cookie cutter' syndrome. Almost every single 'woman' I see running around has the same exact straight hair, blinged out bellybutton, low mini-skirt wearing spaghetti halter top clad avatar as every other one. Oh, and FYI people who make shapes for these people and sell them at ridiculous prices: Just moving the breast and ass sliders to max does NOT make for a sexy shape.

I think I should also take this time to point out something important, due to this rant and my gamer one treading dangerously towards feminist territory. I'm not. I loathe feminists. I think women should be allowed to act as they wish and wear what they wish as long as it's not generally offensive to the common five senses. And when I say offensive I don't mean that they're showing too much skin, it's that their choice in fashion physically hurts to look at. It makes my brain want to crawl inside of itself and die than try to comprehend what kind of psychopath could ever think THAT looks good. Sure, people have different tastes. I know. I'm not trying to preach that my idea of 'style' is the only right one. But if you're going for a style, at least complete the fucking look. Don't half ass it. I"m not a gothy person, but I've seen some goth styles that were well done for the style. Same for punk or formal or country or what-have you. It's not just a matter of personal taste as it is the fact that when you put a look together, there's certain things that should be common sense. If something doesn't fit you, don't wear it. You will not look good in it, no matter how cute it looks on your friend who's half your size. And I'm not just ragging on fat people here either. I have a few friends who are considered overweight but can still manage to make themselves look good compared to the complete fashion disasters I've seen walking the streets. Sure, this rant was mostly superfluous. I'll admit that. But it was still something needed to be said.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

One would think...

So, Apple released a new product not to long ago. If you haven't heard they released the iPad. What is the iPad? Well, from the looks of it, it's a big brother of the iPod that supposedly does more than the iPhone, and has similar features to the iMac but with feel of an iBook.

So when is Apple going to release the iDon'tCare?

Because I don't. Because basically what they're selling is the same device they've already made 4 or 5 times, only this one is bigger. Yay? It's not like it actually adds anything to the market we haven't already seen. Sorry guys but Nintendo already wowed the crowds with touch screen technology years ago. The only practical use the thing has is being a portable web-browser that doesn't have all the extra things a computer normally does. It apparently runs apps like an iPhone, but can't make phone calls. Great, so what I'm getting from Apple's current stratagy is instead of releasing one product that simply does everything that Apple's current technology is capable of, they're releasing individual products that if you buy them all can give you the same abilities you can get on a regular Dell Laptop. Oh, well except the touch screen. You win that one, Apple. Huzzah for you.

But seriously, what is the point of releasing this thing except for the fact that people are getting bored with all their other iProducts and need something else to waste their money on? The thing doesn't even support Flash. How do you build a portable web browser that DOESN'T SUPPORT FLASH?! 98% of the web uses Flash and yet Apple in it's infinite wisdom passed down from ancient gods who's names can not be pronounced on this plane of existence has decreed that Flash is unnecessary for web-browsing, just like a second mouse button serves no purpose on a computer since you have a keyboard full of buttons and were butthurt because the Windows key didn't do anything on their machines, so they forced you to hold down their 'command' button (i.e. windows key) to right click on anything. As you can tell, I'm not a fan of Apple. The only thing that makes any reasonable sense in this strategy is that Apple has plans to release a yet unknown number of iDevices and when the final one is released (Probably some time in 2012) they will all join together in some Voltron-esque fashion and become the iDestroyer, slayer of mankind and destroy the world in a flurry of multicolored plastic death.

Needless to say, Apple is once again trying to flaunt it's superiority in the field of creating shit that has already been done but isn't yet available in Bubblegum Pink. And people will buy it. Because people are stupid.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I think I've done this before...

You know, I like to consider myself a gamer. A person that plays games. Video games for those of you who actually went along with that duchebag commercial in which they promoted a gamer as a beer battered cheese head football fan who spends his entire paycheck on pay-per-view sessions of every sporting event known to man kind and corn nuts. That is not a gamer. That is a complete waste of flesh. There's a difference. But that's not entirely what my rant is about today though I would like to take a few moments before I start to mention that just because you play video poker online and are able to keep yourself entertained for 30 minutes playing the newest incarnation of Bejeweled does not make you a gamer either.

Also, if you actually own and play any game with Madden in the title, you are also not a gamer. You're a pretentious fratboy who thinks that being good at a game that plays by itself if you leave it alone is actually something to be proud of. You also apparently don't know the difference between a sequel and an expansion pack...

But I digress on the subject of who is and isnt a gamer. The point of today's rant is the fact that a gamer requires something important in order to satisfy their needs as a gamer. And that would be games. Good games, preferably. Unfortunately the gaming industry has hit a rut and there's hardly anything on the market that's worth playing at the moment. There are a select few, but opening a new year with about three playable games does not bode well for the industry. In fact the gaming industry and Hollywood seem to be cheating off of each others tests because they're both doing the same thing in digging up old franchises that should have stayed dead. This is almost as bad as when they try to make games based on movies or movies based on games. When was this ever a good idea and why do they keep doing it? I can understand the movie based on game aspect but the only good game based on a movie was 007 GoldenEye for the N64. Well, there was also one other one for the PS2 but I forgot which bond movie it was from. Most games based on movies are designed to increase the overall revenue of the movie, not actually make a playable game.

If you're going to base a movie on a game, here are some ground rules you need to follow:
1. Don't change the main character to someone no one knows. If the main character is male and GOOD, don't make it a female character just because you think following around a pair of tits is a way to make money at the ticket booth. (Yes, I'm talking about Silent Hill. And while you're at it, Resident Evil)
2. Don't get artsy with character design. People like the way characters look for a reason. Suddenly deciding that your costume designer who thinks the pinnacle of gaming is Snake on her blinged out cellphone has a better idea of how a main character should look than the original creators is fucking STUPID.
3. Follow the fucking story. Video games are not religious texts. There is no interpretation required. The game was good enough to be overheard by the artsy douchebags in Hollywood because it's sales records stated that people liked it. Why would you decide to write your own god damn story and just slap something else's name on it? You know who does that? Yaoi fanfic writing fangirls who come up with ideas like Sonic banging Tails in the woods behind Knothole Village. Sonic is not gay, and even though Tails acts like it at times, I'm pretty sure he's not either. DON'T CHANGE THINGS THAT WORK.

Sadly the only movie that was almost exactly like the game it was meant to portray was Tomb Raider. And that's simply because the game only consisted of a thin plot revolving around putting a female lead in awkward positions while the camera was designed to show her ass and/or tits as much as possible. And guns. No surprise the film-makers got this one right...

Okay, so going back to the original topic, there hasn't been a good game to come out for a while. Not like there used to be. Everything is basically a 'like this game but' game at this point, all of them copying off of each other trying to do something the other hasn't but in reality just fucking up something that worked properly the first time. And then you have all the sequels that are losing steam. Even the GOOD games are falling prey to the sequels falling apart at the seams. Devil May Cry has all but become a game of 'let's see how ridiculous of a combat system we can come up with'. I mean in 4 you basically get a chainsaw with no chain that requires you to hold the button down to charge it up for an attack. The whole point of Devil May Cry is to string attacks together so rapidly that you keep your combo counter going so you get that coveted S rank as often as possible. So how is giving you a weapon you have to charge add anything useful to this system? I have no idea. Then there's Resident Evil. I'm a fan of Resident Evil. I've played if not owned nearly every game with the title that has been released, (Except the shooter and the 'cronicles' games on the wii). That includes both of the Outbreak games. Now, they have Resident Evil 5.... a game that offers me so little that I hardly even care it was released. WTF is this?! I bought a gamecube... a fucking GAMECUBE just to play Resident Evil 4. What the fuck happened? I mean sure I was a little bummed they took out the zombies in 4. But the mechanics made up for it. Now, they decided to throw away the whole zombie thing all together completely, put you in control of the most pointless and bland character in the entire series - Chris Redfield - and pair him up with a set of walking tits that you have to BABYSIT half the time. The whole thing that made Resident Evil scary was being alone in a city, and running into someone who was still alive was a godsend. Now they pair you up with a military trained chick in a skintight catsuit that follows you through the entire game. You know, they could have just added a few more slots to your inventory and got rid of her all together. That would have worked better. And speaking of the dead.... the thing that made Resident Evil good was not knowing when and where the dead would rise. They came out of windows, out of the ground, and woke up after you passed them a few times. Now they're all wandering around, and you can see them coming a mile away. The only thing scary about it now is that they move faster and can dodge your already limited bullets. Frustration isn't an acceptable substitution for Fear. Feh.

The only decent games released recently were Little Big Planet (Which I barely got to play since it came out on the PS3 which is a pointless waste of money unless you happen to like watching movies in slightly higher definition than DVD. Yay.), Blazblue, and surprisingly, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. The last one surprised me because they added a feature that was sorely lacking in every other CoD game. That being when you point at something and shoot, you actually HIT what you're aiming at. It's like the developers finally figured out that in a first person shooter the point is to SHOOT things and not to see how much ammo you can spray before randomly hitting the enemy standing 2 feet away out of pure chance.

Nothing else of note has even been mentioned except Starcraft 2. But that was only announced TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO. There's no rush Blizzard, really. I'm sure you have your hands full with your new expansion pack for WoW. Because your level 80 players are getting bored buttfucking demons in the ninth level of hell. But hey, now they can start a new character at level 1 and mindlessly do it all over again. But this time they can be a goblin. Or a werewolf. (Which is actually kinda cool, if I still played the fucking game. There's more farming in WoW than that stupid Farmville game on Facebook I keep hearing people rant about. You want to play a good farming game? Play Harvest Moon.)

Ghaah.... well, I guess I can try finishing Bayonetta. It's not exactly a great game, but for a game who's main focus is on making the character naked, it's not really that bad.