Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Hail to the king, baby...

I know, I know. "Two gaming posts, back to back? WTF is this?" well, yeah. I know that my blog isn't a gaming blog, but I really can't just let this one go. I mean this is kind of an event that only happens once in a lifetime.

Anyone who's been gaming for as long as I have knows what I'm talking about. The unthinkable. The unimaginable. The possible end of the world has come.

Duke Nukem Forever is going to be released.

If you haven't heard, you have now. This is not a joke. This is not a hoax. Do not attempt to adjust your television.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, let me give you a little background. Back in 1996, an unassuming, crude little shooter game was released by a company called 3DRealms called Duke Nukem 3D. This was actually the third installment of the Duke Nukem legacy, however few people have played Duke Nukem 1 and 2,  which were side scrolling platform games released around the same time as games like Commander Keen and Jazz Jackrabbit. But that's not what's important. What's important is what happened in 1997. In '97, 3DRealms announced that a sequel to the cult classic was going to be released. The name? Duke Nukem Forever.

That's right. 1997. 13 years ago. In 2011, the game will finally hit store shelves. I honestly don't know what to think. For a retro gamer like myself, it's akin to the second coming of Christ. The thing is, how can you make a game like this 'good'? The simple answer? You can't. That's the whole point. Duke Nukem is known for it's crude, lowbrow humor and from the reviews of those who have played it at PAX, it hasn't changed a thing in the 13 years it's been brewing.

It's still the old Duke we know and love. He loves his cigars. He loves his women. He hates alien scum. And his size 13 boot is looking for more heads to cave in. It's always amazed me that the movie industry has never taken hold of this little gem. I mean, Hollywood and Duke Nukem would be a match made in heaven, if heaven were littered with half naked women, tons of alcohol, and the entrails of hideous aliens the size of a football stadium. I mean you really can't fuck this up. He's a macho, over the top, guns blazing badass that will make good on his threats, even if that requires him to rip off someone's head and defecate down their neck. As long as a newspaper is handy, Duke will make good on his word.

And it seems like the old adage "You can always bet on Duke." is becoming less of a joke and more of a reality. You just can't keep a good pervert down. Literally, if the opening scene has any indication.

A word of warning: The ESRB is going to have a field day with this one. Forget everything you know about games. There is going to probably be more gratuitous sex and violence packed into this game than any other game of the last century. That includes God of War and Leisure Suit Larry combined. And... well... it's Duke, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

I think I have goosebumps.

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