Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Does this make me look fat...?

So today is my girly rant day. Deal with it. There's a couple of factors that have brought this on. Mostly this horrible excuse for fashion that's been plaguing the world lately, which isn't helped by the fact that everyone who's got a 6 figure income has a clothing line that looks exactly the same as every other clothing line to come out in the last year and a half. Now, I'm not one of those pretentious underground chicks that only shops at Hot Topic and goes into a blood rage at the mention of the name Gucci. In fact, I'm not really into fashion enough to know most of the brands on the market today. What I do know is that the world seems to have become as tasteless as the parking lot of a 711. Not to say it isn't full of flavor, but just because something is flavorful doesn't mean it's going to taste good. For me, I mix and match and try to find things that look good. I'm not a fashion designer, mainly because my hair is only one color, but even I can tell there's a problem here. At first I thought, "Maybe it's just because I live in Idiotville, USA.." but those hopes of salvation were quickly dashed when I realized that a lot of the world seems to be following the same trend. When did "Ghetto Fabulous" become a style? I'm just curious.

It's like people have decided that they don't want to try anymore. Looking half decent isn't a hard thing to do. I'm not a supermodel, and I know people that have it worse off than me, but finding a good look isn't always just about being sexy. But apparently someone passed around a note saying that as long as you flash as much flesh as possible, it automatically makes you sexy and everyone jumped on the bandwagon because it seemed easy enough of a rule to follow. Here's a few things I've noticed that are setups for major disasters:

1. Low cut jeans are for people with hips wider than their waist. That's what it's designed for. Unless you want to be the next Pillsbury spokeswoman, don't wear low cut ANYTHING if you have a beer gut that rivals Homer Simpson.

2. Just because a song came out that used the words 'boots with the fur' doesn't automatically make this a recipe for success. Anything with fur trim generally works better if you have something ELSE with similar fur trim on. Like a jacket. It also helps if said article of clothing is at least in the same approximate color range of the afore-mentioned boots.

3. Avocado green never looks good. On anything.

4. Neither does neon orange. Unless you happen to work in construction.

5. Protip- No one likes your triple nose piercing that connects to your upper lip with a chain. It's discusting and it's all in your head. Whoever told you otherwise was lying to you.

There are many other things, but this list could go on forever and I don't have that kind of time. The point is, it's not hard to make things look good, but you have to find what works for you, not just because everyone else is wearing it. I swear if I see another Beyonce wannabe wandering around, I'm going to carve that muffin top hanging over their too tight pants straight from their gut and strangle them with it.

Even the brand names of some of the clothes coming out are utterly retarded. Okay, so I saw this pair of jeans the other day with a cute little cat on the pocket. I was like, "Oh, that's kinda cool. These look neat." so I look at the tag.... Now... I have a serious question here: How many times does one have to be beaten over the head and how many paint chips must one consume to decide that "Baby Phat" is a good name for an adult clothing line? Anyone? Because I can't see it. The mere stupidity belching from that tag made me almost want to drop the clothing immediately and soak my hands in sulfuric acid for a good day and a half. But like I said before, I'm not really into brand names so as long as the actual brand name isn't etched across my ass in bright gold lettering. If it's subtle, I might give it a shot. The cat was kind of cute...(Speaking of which, how do you come up with a cat for a logo when your line is called "Baby Phat"? I'm guessing there were some heavy drugs involved in the creation of this idea.) but dear god, it's like the worst name you can possibly come up with for a line of clothing designed for adult women. Wearing something with a name like that makes me feel like an obese greasy pedophile. Ugh.

Anyway, I also spend a lot of time in Second Life, as the little link in my nuggets of joy suggests (No, you can't have my name just yet. I'm not sure I want stalkers.) and I can tell you right now this disease has spread faster than the bubonic plague. It's what I call 'cookie cutter' syndrome. Almost every single 'woman' I see running around has the same exact straight hair, blinged out bellybutton, low mini-skirt wearing spaghetti halter top clad avatar as every other one. Oh, and FYI people who make shapes for these people and sell them at ridiculous prices: Just moving the breast and ass sliders to max does NOT make for a sexy shape.

I think I should also take this time to point out something important, due to this rant and my gamer one treading dangerously towards feminist territory. I'm not. I loathe feminists. I think women should be allowed to act as they wish and wear what they wish as long as it's not generally offensive to the common five senses. And when I say offensive I don't mean that they're showing too much skin, it's that their choice in fashion physically hurts to look at. It makes my brain want to crawl inside of itself and die than try to comprehend what kind of psychopath could ever think THAT looks good. Sure, people have different tastes. I know. I'm not trying to preach that my idea of 'style' is the only right one. But if you're going for a style, at least complete the fucking look. Don't half ass it. I"m not a gothy person, but I've seen some goth styles that were well done for the style. Same for punk or formal or country or what-have you. It's not just a matter of personal taste as it is the fact that when you put a look together, there's certain things that should be common sense. If something doesn't fit you, don't wear it. You will not look good in it, no matter how cute it looks on your friend who's half your size. And I'm not just ragging on fat people here either. I have a few friends who are considered overweight but can still manage to make themselves look good compared to the complete fashion disasters I've seen walking the streets. Sure, this rant was mostly superfluous. I'll admit that. But it was still something needed to be said.

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