Friday, March 12, 2010

Once upon a time...

Great. Alice in Wonderland was released. No, I haven't seen it. I probably won't. I'm not much of a movie person to begin with, but holy fucking hell... I think the end of theater as we know it is upon us. They just have no more ideas for movies, do they? It's just a remake of a remake of a remake at this point.

And I'm probably going to start hailing this as the 'Depp' phenomenon because every single time one of these horrid rehashes gets put on screen guess who's in it? Johnny Depp. I do not dislike Johnny Depp as an actor, and he was quite entertaining in Pirates of the Caribbean. However just because he plays one crazy guy well does not make him good at playing another crazy guy well. A good example of this is Micheal Keaton. He was amazing at playing a crazy guy in Beetle Juice. But when cast as another crazy guy, Batman, he wasn't really all that great. But then again, Batman has the depth of a puddle, and the only reason why there's been a dozen or so movies about him is because everyone wants to see the fucked up villains he has to deal with. No one cares about Batman, honestly.

Back on point, I heard recently that they're going to remake Karate Kid. Are you kidding me? I remember when the ORIGINAL was released in theaters. I am NOT THAT OLD god damnit! Do they have any idea how traumatizing this kind of thing is to a person? You shouldn't do a remake when people who remember the original are only in their mid-twenties. WTF, are you getting that stressed for ideas?

Of course, if they aren't making remakes, they're making generic love movies. Girl meets guy, girl embarrasses herself in front of guy, asks friends for help, stupid shit happens involving a dog, guy falls for girl's cute and awkward style, evil bitch ex-girlfriend gets chastised in front of her parents and friends, movie ends. That's pretty much it. I should win an Oscar for pulling on the nation's heartstrings with that one.

And of course, if you can't do that, there's always the 'documentary style screenplay about the oppressed' thing to fall back on. Find an important person in history who was oppressed, find a big name actor that can be dressed up like him, and then read a few biographies from the library and you're sure to win at the Oscars with your 'touching tribute to a great person'. Give me a break.

This is generally why I don't watch movies. Most are garbage. I didn't see Avatar and I probably won't. A friend of mine compared it to Fern Gully. The fuck is this? The biggest movie hit of this last year was a remake of FERN GULLY?! I've lost all faith in Hollywood. You never see anything original and fun anymore. You know what were some good movies? Back to the Future, Short Circuit, Innerspace, and pretty much anything produced by Don Bluth (Except Titan A.E. That was utter garbage).

I don't see how anyone can actually say they enjoy movies anymore unless they have the mental capacity of a snail. 99% of everything produced is crap. Or a crappy remake of something that was good.

I recently took a poll of people I met to see who had seen the original Dr. Doolittle. Not the one with Eddie Murphy, but the original one in 1967 with the Giant Pink Sea Snail. No one had. It was depressing. Meh, I guess if you can't fit a rap montage into it somewhere, people just aren't interested anymore.


  1. Don't care much for new movies myself, maybe it's my age. Movies through the decades have mostly been entertaining crap(I enjoy entertaining crap)with a few artistic gems slipping in here and there. I mostly watch old classics, indie or foreign films, which I do find more emotionally and intellectually satisfying. Have also seen quite a few documentaries I liked in the past few years.

  2. I can't think of a single movie made in the last ten years that people still talk about a few years later. Maybe it is because so many are produced,.. I doubt there will be another in my lifetime that has the "staying power" of a "Lawrence of Arabia", or even "The Godfather".

  3. I haven't been to the cinema for seven years; I love films being an ex-photographer, but marooned on this subtropical island, experimenting with being a recluse and so on..... But I do like your style, your name, and am going to think of something to ask you to see what happens. Be happy, go well, Bob

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  5. 0_o
    clearly you are all missing out... but no, not really.

    On the other hand, last year I enjoyed District 9.